I initially was looking for the new poetry collection by Ezra F. Tailor. (And I found it, thanks to your nice clerk with the dark hair! They were really helpful, please give them a raise! Can’t say I wasn’t a bit surprised that they redirected me to the online shopping site of another bookshop in London, but hey, I found what I was looking for! I assume the copy you had in your shop is already reserved for someone else…?)
That is to say, I really don’t want to get you into any trouble. The personnel was really patient with me! But I’m not sure if I shouldn’t maybe report you to the health and safety office I work at? You’re not selling food though, so I don’t know how big a deal this is, but I think if you go into a bookshop… and take a book from the shelf… and open it… it probably shouldn’t start bleeding all over my hands, right?
Sorry! Could you maybe check that? If it’s not too much trouble?
Hellooooo???? I went into this shop because my followers told me it’s, like, suuuch a great bg for streams. But ugh, to be frank the vibes were suuuper stuffy and there’s NOT enough LIGHT anywhere in the building! They’d get a MINUS 10 star rating from me for that alone!
But then one of their disgusting, dingy paper stacks started, like, talking at me and it completely ruined my live! Like ugh, can’t you see I’m working???
Anyway, it went oooon and oooon about doom and death and, like, stars falling from the sky or some shit as if aaaannnyone wants to hear that while I’m going through my shopping make-up routine??? And as if it hadn’t ABSOLUTELY ruined my live enough, it, like, started to vomit this gross, red liquid on my new outfit!
Are you betches gonna pay for the dry cleaning orrrrrr…????? Because I’m not gonna fight with our pretentious washing machine about getting the red stains out. Seriously WHO in their right mind is wearing RED in this time and age? Like, this isn’t the 1500s lol
has rated the above review as “Not helpful” 👎
if i wasn’t so busy i'd give you a lesson in style by cursing all your instagram followers to comment what they really think of your lapse-of-taste outfits that look like you’re wearing a glorified lampshade
Ugh I get it! If I was at retirement age and, like, STILL dressing like the depressing closet I was inside all my life had thrown up on me, I’d be a hater too lol
if you’re what the young generation is like, i'm debating ending the world myself
has rated the above review as “Helpful” 👍
We’re very sorry about all the blood! :) It won’t be happening again! I’ve bought pads for Rudy and the books! And I’ve given them a stern talking to, about not saying things that are not written inside you!
You’ve given them a stern talking to?
muriel stood in front of the shelf and said “you should always think about what you say, and your insides are your pages; so saying things that are not written down in your brain is rude and makes people very sad, okay?”
Dearest gentlepeople of the bookshop,
thank you kindly for agreeing to take care of my charge for me while I am on my business trip to the Horticulture Event of Ancona, Venezia E Napoli! I shall leave you five stars upon my return. I trust you will be able to keep him safe like on my previous trip to the West End.
Forever yours,
B.F. with the D
has rated the above review as “Not helpful” 👎
maybe change your tinder profile name from “boyfriend with a big d” before you log into your plant enthusiast account next time
and while you do that, sod off! this is not a plant nursery
whatever you’re trying to drop off, we sure as hell have more important things to keep track of
and rudy is apparently going through puberty now, so he needs his privacy and won’t share his desk with visitor plants
My good sir, please refrain from reading a meaning into my name that I did not intend. It clearly means something else. Read it again and I’m sure it will become apparent!
And I really must insist that you take care of my charge. I happen to know that you are the only one in all of London with the necessary expertise in taking care of such a delicate matter, and given your credentials, I do trust you!
You heard right! We’re brilliant at taking care of plants! Especially Crowley, because Rudy was in very bad shape a couple of months ago and now he’s so healthy, he’s happily menstruating. :)
ignore my associate
they are not allowed to talk to people who advertise their genitals in their username
I told you that is not what it means! Sound it out loud, perhaps that will help you figure out the true meaning!
yes and why dont i also do a little jig in front of the customers while im at it
go on then, tell me what it means if youre not having me on
I will not write that down here!
because you would be instantly banned for profanity
You should say it out loud! Very slowly! You will understand!
missed your chance to get banned
im gonna block you now
:( But I wanted to know what it means!
maybe when you’re a couple millennia older
Three stars for the new friend! But I think you’re just trying to serve me less coffee!
has rated the above review as “Helpful” 👍
Oh no, I’m sorry! I usually only make coffee for Crowley and tea for the customers! You should have said!
No, no, the coffee was great! But the little octopus in my cup took up a lot of space. I’ll give you 5 stars if I can keep him though!!!
has rated the above review as “Not helpful” 👎
wrong shop
@coffee_or_death what the hell did you serve this clod
I meant to call you. A slippery thing came out of my coffee machine. Looks like a mix between an octopus and a sea snake, about as long as my finger. I’m guessing that’s one of your omens.
Or one of your cousins.
So can I keep the little fella???
No, I need to turn this in to my insurance. Funnily enough they don’t cover ‘being close to an apocalyptic bookshop.’
i don’t have cousins
the leviathan rising from the seas is one of the signs. but we already had that last time. maybe this one just slipped through
would explain why it rose from ‘the coffee’ instead of the sea
Could we maybe have omens that do not reflect badly on the hygiene rating of my kitchen?
well we’re overdue for ‘the stones fighting each other’
i don’t see how we will even notice that one if you don’t speak brick
They gave me a little friend and then didn’t let me keep him for insurance-reasons! :(((
has rated the above review as “Not helpful” 👎
WRONG SHOP STILL
Since when do you care about your review-score?
Well, since he likes being a bookshop owner, I'd wager!
WRONG PERSON STILL
Rad shop! Had sm fun w/ the dudes in there, like! N I don’t rly know much abt bookshops but when they built this thing, they were cooking! Like, no cap!
We just wanted to hang bc honestly the vibes are bussin, but we got kicked out by The Man for loitering. Big yikes! I didn’t even pull a Karen on them when their books started to try n sell their religion to me.
If I wasn’t cutting negativity outta my diet, I’d get u ratio’d so hard, dude. U srsly need a vibe check!
has rated the above review as “Not helpful” 👎
you got kicked out because i'm not entirely sure the atrocities coming out of your mouth aren’t an omen of the apocalypse
in any case, they gave me a headache
I think that’s just how the young people talk these days. What omen could that possibly be?
i mean, ‘man will no longer understand each other’ is one
but this one actually is ‘if you annoy me any longer with your absolute nonsense words while blocking every walkway of the bookshop with your friends, i will call your mum’
I’ll admit I’m on his side with this one. I’ll take Fight Club-rocks over a bunch of teens in my shop arguing about Starbucks’ coffee flavours any day.
I really don’t think we should hold our breath to see ‘the stones fighting each other,’ as much as I would prefer that over all the screaming we get from the bleeding books and tiny coffee krakens.
Dudes, dudettes n doodles, chill! I was just looking to make new friends! Obv not w/ ur preachy books, ngl they gave me the ick. But I do stan the enby in the white drip!
Oh, hi again!!! :) Thanks! It was really nice meeting you, too! :)
how do you not know what the normal age (+/– 100 years) for a shop clerk is when asked how old you are, but you understood that???
HEEEEEYYY can I come to the shop and like see all the apocalypse stuff you guys are talking about???? I reeeeally need some evidence to proove that you are a DEMON!!! IN LOVE WITH AN ANGEL!!! because teeeeechnically I have been banned from the subreddit bc they DIDNT WANT TO LISTEN!!! BUT the apocalypse is TECHNICALLY great proof! Because demons cause that, right???
but all I got was a bloody tshirt from the tiny plant at the till DDDD:
I, LIKE, DIDNT EVEN HEAR ANY STONES ARGUING EVEN THOUGH THEY KEEP PROMISING THAT!!!!
has rated the above review as “Not helpful” 👎
i will pay you if you just leave me alone
but, like, could you pay me in, like, cute pics of you and your angel boyfriend????
is it the ‘annoying teenager month’ in the bookshop
what hell is this
Dude, u gotta work on ur clapbacks! I’m in my 30s!
and yet you knew that i was including you in that statement
I have been living just diagonally above this bookshop for over a decade now. I’d say I’m a pretty reasonable neighbour! I’ve endured the nightly, unnecessarily loud drunken discussions about musicals and dolphins; I’ve only called the bobbies a handful of times; I’ve not said anything about the weird dancing event or the constant scraping sounds of moving furniture as if someone is reorganising the entire bookshop every other night; and I have ignored the recent yelling about “growing better”. But I draw the line at playing live trumpet music in the middle of the night!
If you can’t keep it down and if you ignore my calls, I will sic the local council on you every night!
has rated the above review as “Helpful” 👍
Sorry! The trumpets were just because a message came in. Maybe next time we don’t pick up the phone, you can try it with trumpets too!
What call is so important that you had to get it at 4 in the morning and with 100 decibel?
nigerian prince
It was just to tell us something that we already knew was happening. :)
Nice selection of books to read up on all the weird things happening at the moment. The owner is a weirdo though.
I was walking to my hotel when I noticed a bright light in the sky that became bigger and bigger – as if a meteor or something was headed straight to Earth! I didn’t really know what else to do, so I tried to run for shelter in the shop. That’s when one of the shopkeepers came out, looked at the giant flaming ball above us and started yelling stuff like “What do you think you’re doing, young star?” and “You’re going straight back to your room and think about your behavior!”
I got flashbacks to my mom grounding me for sleeping over at a party at my boyfriend’s!
has rated the above review as “Helpful” 👍
Oh, I missed that omen. That must have been ‘Stars will be thrown to earth.’
To anyone else reading this: Case in point. Absolute weirdos.
Still waiting for that rock-divorce.
Why that sign in particular?
apocalypse won’t really start unless we got all the omens
so as long as stones don’t figure out how to fight each other in a way that we can witness, which i'm fairly sure they won’t, we’re fine
I don’t even need to say anything about this, do I? Is anyone else reading this?
Hello,
so sorry to bother you like this. I could really use your HELP with finding THE latest book about REINCARNATION and other believes OF the large world religions. THE one by C. HILD from 1954 is IN THE SHOP but it is dreadfully outdated.
Sincerely,
A.A.W.G.A.W.H.A.F.A.H.C.
has rated the above review as “Not helpful” 👎
i wish our books were ‘outdated’ enough for menopause
I came to this shop to browse, but it was full of paparazzi and people yelling over each other. Naturally, I fought myself through the crowd to see! I mean, someone might need help; I’m not curious at all! And… it was my favourite band!! Apparently brEAKING UP IN AN OLD BOOKSHOP SOMEWHERE IN LONDON!
I can’t believe this! I spontaneously took the Eurostar to go watch a photoshoot of a friend and there are Mick, Keith and Ron yelling at each other oVER WHO BOUGHT THE WRONG TEA FLAVOUR! THAT’S NOT A REASON TO BREAK UP, RIGHT? PLEASE TELL ME THEY AREN’T SERIOUS!!! This is the woRST DAY OF MY LIFE!!!!!
has rated the above review as “Helpful” 👍
Sorry your favourite human musicians broke up over tea. :(
But on the positive side: At least this was something mundane and not an omen of the apocalypse!
Oh no…
bloody typical
i leave you lot alone for one hour to pull a bloke out of a big, carnivorous duck in st james park and this is what you let happen?!
Music is not my strong suit. What has happened?
I’m afraid the musicians the reviewer is talking about are the Rolling Stones.
So what you’re saying is that we witnessed ‘the Stones fighting each other’ in the bookshop.
welcome to the end times
↪ 👮 Inspector_Constable has rated the above review as “Helpful” 👍
I’m glad you found your book. :) Ours are unfortunately not for “sale” at the moment. You would have to “wait” until we’re “trying to threaten the previous shop owner into coming back” again! We have those sale-events regularly whenever Crowley is in a bad mood! But the previous owner hasn’t reacted to us almost selling anything, yet, so I don’t know if we’ll do another.
Don’t worry about the blood! Books are made from plants and plants are earthlings and earthlings just do that sometimes, I think!
🖭 MartinBlackwood
Ahm… alright. Are you sure though???
👮 Inspector_Constable
Oh, yes, absolutely! :) Rudy, our little angel’s ivy at the till does it all the time since yesterday!
☕ coffee_or_death
@SnakeOnABreak you’ve got another one! And please explain to Muriel how to spot an apocalyptic omen. I have all my hands full here without having to monitor your shop, too!
🖭 MartinBlackwood
Excuse me, your ivy does what? Since yesterday? And it didn’t bleed before? Are you sure that’s normal?
🐍 SnakeOnABreak
yes, yes, rudy started puberty yesterday, he got his very first period
don’t worry about it
@coffee_or_death i’ll handle it
this will be “the trees will fill with blood” then. it’s mentioned as an omen in the kildare poems
bloody books shouldn’t even remember being trees! this is why they should use more recycling paper
👮 Inspector_Constable
Hihi, “bloody books!” :)