What a delightful little shop, and an even more delightful little bookseller! I was a bit hesitant to waste their time because I had forgotten my wallet, but this veritable sunshine assured me that just browsing and reading the books is fine, even without the intention of buying anything! (They spoke formidable English! I almost didn't catch that they were not a native speaker, had they not confused “even” and “especially” in that sentence.)
Thank you for a good time! Don't worry so much about the cocoa being salty – it honestly wasn't. I don't know what gave you the idea. It was very sweet!
I forgot to ask when I left the shop – but maybe when I visit again, could I have your number?
has rated the above review as “Not helpful” 👎
Cool it, Casanova, this is not a dating site and they're too young for you anyway
I am almost as old as you are!
Yes, and look how well trying to date went for me. You're too young.
Who are you? Their big sibling?
You know what? Yes.
Yes, I am.
Okay we need another code for “stop hugging me and squealing in my ear about loving your sibling”
Look, you need to decide on a tactic. Are you running the good cop or the bad cop routine when trying to sell books?
Because first thing that happened to me when coming into this shop: got asked by an appropriately egocentric looking shopkeeper if I wanted to buy a book. (Obviously not. I mean, who would go to a bookshop looking for a book? I wanted a cheese burger and to steal the Declaration of Independence, why else would I come into a bookshop?)
Okay, I wrote this as a joke, but I gotta say: if any shopkeeper had stolen the Declaration of Independence, it would be this one. And if there was a shop where you could stash the Declaration of Independence and nobody would ever bat an eye... also this one! Because nobody would ever find it in all the junk scattered around like confetti on a 10-year-old's birthday party! But this is an English joint, so that would be a declaration of war, which makes it slightly more unlikely that they did steal the Declaration of Independence.
Uh, anyway, where was I? Stupid questions about buying books in a bookstore.
So, after that insightful interrogation, I was assured that I can buy a book. Which, I will admit: Genius concept for a bookshop!
Then I was assured I could buy all the books because nobody else wants them anymore. (Bad advertisement if you ask me, but maybe reverse psychology is the new Budweiser during Super Bowl – who is to say? I'm an engineer, not a copywriter.) Anyway, top marks for enthusiasm! But I don't think I could stomach a whole shelf of badly ghostwritten politician biographies. So that's a no from me. Unfortunately, that made the shopkeeper offer to gift me all the books for free, which, as a citizen of a capitalist society, I just can't condone as business practice.
Thankfully, he then suddenly said I can't have any books and told me to get lost (which is a common reaction to my presence, according to my assistant). (I think it was the most sensible thing he said during the whole interaction.) Still, interesting business practice.
So that's one star from me for theoretically being willing to sell books for all of 5 seconds, and another star for confusing me. I appreciate the additional rudeness, but it was a bit undercut by the attempt to gift me up to two thousand books.
So in total: Two stars.
has rated the above review as “Helpful” 👍
Hello, thank you for your review!
I'm afraid since Crowley is just as old as me, I have to tell you now that you're too old for him and that I am his sibling. :)
Sorry, was I drunk and forgot something important about my bookshop visit, or is this a new business strategy you're trying, since you found out that both giving away all your books and not selling any books didn't work out like you hoped it would?
Because while I have no idea what you're trying to do right now, I can't say it's worse than those two tactics.
Let him date, Muriel! That would probably do wonders.
Must we? They were such a cute couple. There must be some hope that Mr Fell comes back! He would be devastated.
Maggie, you're making it worse!
That's alright! I'm Aziraphale's substitute until he comes back! :)
Not gonna lie, I had not gotten that impression. But good for you!
Yes, I just want to be helpful and do everything that he can't do while he's not here. :)
Everything or everyone?
Code red, Muriel
So you're not together?
No.
Thank God!
Yeah, I'd hate for Muriel to be a rebound.
All I hear is that I have a chance after all (which I didn't even think I wanted, but I have learned my lesson about looking gift horses from this shop in the mouth).
NO.
pathetic
has rated the above review as “Helpful” 👍
:( Thank you for your constructive criticism.
has rated the above review as “Not helpful” 👎
Thanks to your review I have a teary-eyed Inspector-slash-bookseller on my couch.
Would you like to apologise or would you rather have a lifetime of printers being out of ink immediately after changing the cartridge?
as i said
pathetic
Hope you like curses mate
pa-the-tic
why's it not working???
Could you not? I don't like that snake-curse-stink around.
Jim?! What are you doing here
I thought you were off to Alpha Centauri
That's “Gabriel” to you, sunshine. And that's exactly why my little Fly signed up to this digital suggestion box to cheer you up. Do you know how far it is to go from Alpha Centauri to your human-infested sinkhole? We are absolutely not coming back just so you can bask in the presence of my face while you're getting your pep talk!
Are you telling me Lord Beelzebub has a Yelp-Account
do you think your the only won who is able too use the internett, traitor?
You might want to update your list of monikers for me after your latest stint with the arseangel. Shax wasn't impressed
By the way, what does your pet amnesiac mean by “cheering me up”
thats what I just did, you moron!
Right
Now that I think about it, “pathetic” probably is the nicest thing you ever called me
Let me rephrase that question: Why are you cheering me up?
beecoz that disgusting creature told uz your depressed.
And then reminded us that we “owe you a huge deal” apparently.
When the fuck did record-girl get your phone number
Not the human.
we weur not supposed too tell him that.
I know, that's why I'm telling him.
What are you two on about
We're saying that Aziraphale sent us.
what
the angle.
Yeah, the soft one who betrayed us.
with the sickly hair culler.
Yes, thank you, I know who Aziraphale is!
Are you sure? Because you just asked what Aziraphale is, sport.
What do you mean, “Aziraphale sent you”?
he used a gaitway too tell us too vizit you. it was very annoing.
He told us you were moping around and that we have to cheer you up because you helped hiding me from head offices, bla bla bla.
Why would he care about me?
A question I have asked myself since Armageddon't.
I mean nowHe doesn't care about me now
He left
he cared enuff too use his stern voise. you tossers matsh in insolense.
I don't know what you're playing at but you cannot convince me that Aziraphale sent you because he is concerned about me
And why not?
Yes, why not? It does sound a lot like Aziraphale and how he behaves when it comes to you! :)
Why not? Because if he ever cared, he would be here
Believe me, I would have loved if he cared a little less about you or that planet of yours.
Although I did change my mind about the latter by now.
And about Crowley, too, right? :) I remember how you liked his cocoa best.
Wow, no wonder you were only of the 37th order, if you're that unobservant and think I care about his cocoa.
kch, pleese! if i have to here one more tyme that crowleys coco taists better then mine, im going to restarte the appocalipse.
Well, let's not talk about that! That's not important! What's important right now is that Aziraphale loves him. Only the Almighty knows why...
Shut up
You angels will patronise every being in existence and call it love
I don't subscribe to your definition of that word
no, he means acshual love. not that heven propaganda bulshit.
Aww!!! :) :) :)
Maggie told you.
@coffee_or_death What snake charmer summoned you, all of a sudden?
@JimJamesNotgabriel Nice try
You didn't even know him; he lied to your face for six millennia and you never noticed
So how would you two pompous busybodies know what Aziraphale thought? He didn't even tell me
Yeah no, he didn't tell me. I doubt he would have ever told me. I know because I saw.
We don't need the gory details about what you saw spread publicly on the internet, thank you.
What in someone's name are you talking about?
ugh pleese, i donnt want too have too sea this again!
I found his sketchbooks.
Wait, you mentioned those before
What sketchbooks?
You still haven't found them? Oh wow, you are incompetent, Beez was right.
i told you im allways right. i cant beleeve he preevented the appocalipse.
What. Sketchbooks?
Lord Almighty, do I have to do everything around here?
They don't have any words on the first few pages, so either they're on the very first shelf in the front, before the 'A's, or under “T”. I think I skimmed through them for the first sentence and it began with “Take all my loves” or something like that.
What the Heaven and Hell do you mean???
I don't think Crowley is going to read your answer... He just ran to the front of the shop and left his phone here.
pathetic.
So I take it you're that fly-person that Mr Fell's assistant was so happy about seeing. How has the world been treating you?
Star.
Excuse me?
not wurld. starr.
It's cute how both of you seem to think that that cleared it up for me in any way.
We've been doing fine. This star system is nice and quiet.
no idiots hoo ask fore nyew orders all the time.
No one trying to rewrite our memories.
no wone constantly begging for nyew appocalipses.
That sounds nice... I think?
It's so good to hear that you are both doing well! :)
wuld do weller iff we didnt need to cheer up that pathetic ex-demon.
He just came back! :)
There are no sketchbooks!
Well, either you can't follow simple instructions or someone must have moved them. Given the outcome of the last apocalypse and what I heard about eleven years of babysitting a child that was so not the Antichrist, I can guess which one it is.
Oh! I reorganised all the books after you left! It's more helpful for the humans that way. How much do the sketchbooks cost?
You ordered the books by price?
I did! :)
are you shure you dont work fore ouer side?
For the love of me, as soon as I'm gone, your business falls apart.
they cant even fined theyre own books anymoor.
I think you're right about that.
Crowley is grabbing everything off the shelves now. Maybe he doesn't like my sorting? He's just dropping all the books on the floor. :(
Oh, for Heaven's and my sake! Tell him to stop or we'll be here until the next apocalypse. I'll show him the sketches.
What do you mean?
I had lost my memory and apparently my good taste. I thought they were... heartwarming. Yuck. So I took pictures of them with the phone you gave me. I'll just send them to this review Hellhole.
You can't upload pictures on this site.
You're speaking to the archangel fucking Gabriel, sunshine.
Aren't you the one who always complained about “frivolous miracles”?
Yeah, but I'm me, so it's fine when I do it.
Oh wow! The author of that book must have really loved drawing Crowley! :)
Well, he spent a loooong time staring at him while smiling and sighing to himself.
He drew those?
Yep.
When? I saw him drawing now and then but it was never... whatever this is.
Well, all of his secret sketchbooks are “whatever this is”.
id call it a proof of love. pathetic and disgusting.
Aren't you in love with the assistant bookseller who looks like he escaped from an American toothpaste commercial?
Thanks.
i dont sea what that haz too do with how disgusting the traitors are.
Alright, back up
Why would this be a “proof of love”?
do you have eny idea how long somewone haz too stare into youre stupid eyes to be able too drow them from memmory?
Do you?
Anyway, he's got a very good memory. This doesn't mean anything.
Seriously? Look, I'm all for you moving on, but denying that there was definitely something going on between the two of you is dishonest to yourself.
maybe you're right
dishonesty never served the two of us
I like the text between the drawings. :) What is it?
Parts of a sonnet.
meybee you shoud reed it.
I have.
has rated the above review as “Helpful” 👍
One more thing
@JimJamesNotgabriel turn the damn image upload function off again
The what? Who are you?
Seriously? We talked only two days ago!
I talk to a lot of people.
????? You live on an uninhabited ball of gas!
Well, I guess I still have talked to a lot of people that made more of an impression than you, then.
I prevented your Great Plan! You harassed me about my love life two days ago! You apparently keep complaining that nobody makes cocoa like I do!
Oh, Crowley! It's you! Why do you have that stupid name? Must've kinda overlooked that when we talked this week.
I've had this name for months! Because of a cursed witchfinder who came here with a witch to teach me pilates
I thought demons are supposed to be good at lying.
Oh, come off it
Just miracle this mess of a site back to non-picture-mode!
Why?
People keep sending me pictures of their pet snakes because for some reason there is a rumour going around the internet that this shop has a huge snake living in it and snake-owners apparently bond this way or something
Can I see them? :) Are they cute?
you shoud keep the pictshures. meybee youll find a nyew boyfrend this way and stop mopeing.
I can't believe that I was surprised to see the two of you ending up as a couple; you are so similar in unbearability
and yet your still tolking too us.
Well, I can't exactly ignore my customers reviewing my bookshop, can I? Would make a terrible impression. My reputation couldn't possibly take it.
weer something way worse then youre customers.
And what would that be?
Tax inspectors?
Your friends, sunshine.
you're what
for satans sake. cant evan you reed?
You're my friends? You, both, are my friends?
iff you think im going too coll you that, your deloosional.
But you're not denying it
shut up.
Sorry to say, but that's the way it is now. You'll have to learn to live with it, bucko.
He forgot to type it out but he quietly said “alright” just now. :)
↪ 👮 Inspector_Constable has rated the above review as “Helpful” 👍
Thank you so much for your review! :) Of course! The number is in the “contact” section of this page and since Crowley is not taking so many naps anymore, the phone isn't even unplugged most of the time!
🐍 SnakeOnABreak
Muriel, code red
👮 Inspector_Constable
Was that the code that means “hide behind the counter from the shopkeeper association man with the moustache before we have to host another meeting”? Or the one you use when I'm being too helpful?
Oh, I could maybe set up a code-chart in the shop, so the customers also know what you're talking about with your secret codes! :)
🐍 SnakeOnABreak
What have I told you about code red?
👮 Inspector_Constable
:( “Stop trying to fix being too helpful by being more helpful.”