Dec 9th 2023

🦝

the_rogue_bard

★★★★★

I didn't really get to say sorry, soooo I'll just leave a positive review here, I guess.
Went to this shop and the clerk was busy arguing with a coffee machine (yes, you read that correctly – don't ask me, I don't know either), so I thought I'd just look around myself. Pretty cool business, even though the devil's ivy at the till looks like it's about as hydrated as corpse no. 5 from Mad Max, the sorting system has clearly been invented by the Red Queen from Alice in Wonderland and in every gap on the bookshelves, someone has shoved a creepy garden gnome?! (Yes, you read that correctly again.)

So anyway. Imagine my surprise when between all the books, dust and garden gnomes, I see this huge-ass snake dangling from one of the shelves like a Christmas garland. It was pretty obviously fake; probably still hanging there from Halloween or something, but I'm a tactile person. Look, you can't put shiny plastic scales in front of me and not expect me to touch them, right?

I'm a simple guy. I see a critter, I boop the snoot.

Apprently it wasn't ALL cheap plastic because it was, like, a bit alive. Little big dude got startled so bad that it pulled its dangling head back up. The problem with that was that the rest of its body was so high up on the shelf that it now bonked said head on the ceiling with full force. That in turn startled it again into a hiss (when I say “hiss” I mean more like a pathetic yelp but in snake-language) and then it overbalanced and fell backwards off the shelf with the loudest crashing sound you could possibly imagine a quiet creature like a snake to be capable of.

So now I'm concerned I killed the last prehistoric, T-rex-brained apex predator or something (honestly, that snake was so frikkin HUGE, I cannot stress this enough!), so I run around to the back of the shelf, expecting to find it lying on its back with X's for eyes because it can't get any more comic-y than it already has. But before I can get there, this homeless-looking senior goth rounds the corner and is already cussing me out like a sailor for startling them. (I assume they meant their snake, because honestly, the guy(gn) looked just the right mix of edgey and extra to own a giant, forbidden reptile and take it on a walk in a bookshop.)

But before I could apologize for startling their stupid-ass pet (honestly, its eyes looked so dead, I might as well have looked at one of those fuzzy worms that someone put googly eyes on – how was I supposed to know there was an ACTUAL giant SNAKE in a BOOKSHOP), they had already cuss-walked me backwards out the door and slammed it shut in my face.

That is to say: My apologies to the hissing, lanky noodle. And to the snake, too!

Dec 9th 2023

↪ 🐿️ TheTravellersJester has rated the above review as “Not helpful” 👎

you people wouldnt even know a shapeshifter if you booped him on the nose!!!!!! D:

Dec 9th 2023

↪ 👮 Inspector_Constable has rated the above review as “Helpful” 👍

I'm glad you found my little helpers among the bookshelves! :) A lady down the street makes them and I thought, since people keep asking where certain books are, and every shelf in the shop looks kind of the same, the gnomes could be really helpful for orientation!

Dec 10th 2023

☕ coffee_or_death

People can explain away if you're talking to kitchen appliances. They can overlook whenever you refer to them as “humans” or tell them you are “only 200 years” old. But I'm pretty sure nobody will believe that a human person will buy garden gnomes.

Dec 10th 2023

👮 Inspector_Constable

Why not? They're delightful! :)

Dec 10th 2023

☕ coffee_or_death

They're really not.

Dec 10th 2023

🎵 VinylMagnateMaggie

They are, too! You know, even you need to let a little joy get through your scruff exterior!

Dec 10th 2023

☕ coffee_or_death

I don't. And you're not setting up garden gnomes in my coffee shop! I can feel you getting an idea!
By the way, @Inspector_Constable, is the coffee machine I gave you giving you trouble or do you just like arguing with it for recreational purposes?

Dec 10th 2023

👮 Inspector_Constable

Oh no, it's very pretty. I like looking at it. :)

Dec 10th 2023

☕ coffee_or_death

Alright. But do you like making coffee with it?

Dec 10th 2023

👮 Inspector_Constable

Well, I don't like coffee anyway, so it's no trouble, really!

Dec 10th 2023

☕ coffee_or_death

You asked me to teach you to make coffee, though? If you don't like coffee, you don't need to drink it. But then why did you ask me how to make coffee?

Dec 10th 2023

👮 Inspector_Constable

The coffee is not for me! What's a sixtuple espresso?

Dec 10th 2023

☕ coffee_or_death

Ah.

Dec 11th 2023

↪ 🐍 AppleJSnek has rated the above review as “Not helpful” 👎

Homeless-looking senior goth? Cheap plastic?? Fuzzy worm with googly eyes??? See if you don't get two fangs through your hand, next time you can't keep your finger to yourself!

Dec 11th 2023

🦝 the_rogue_bard

My guy(gn), the thing had comically dead, wide-open eyes and yet it didn't see me coming! (And maybe I should have said “homeless smelling” but a comb also wouldn't go amiss in your hair. Or maybe it would. Go missing, I mean.)

Dec 11th 2023

🐍 AppleJSnek

Snakes don't have eyelids, you twit!!! That's how they sleep!

Dec 11th 2023

🦝 the_rogue_bard

Okay. (Do they also not have nostrils or was I not the one to wake it up after all?)

Dec 11th 2023

🐍 AppleJSnek

That's it! You are banned from the bookshop! Think of this conversation when you step on a lego every morning for a week.

Dec 11th 2023

☕ coffee_or_death

I thought you didn't have any authority over the bookshop, have no interest in running it, and that you're only there to sleep because I vowed to sic every traffic warden in London on you if you don't stop spending every night in your car.

Dec 11th 2023

🐍 AppleJSnek

Shut it, busybody! I am only there to sleep.

Dec 11th 2023

👮 Inspector_Constable

Oh! But then why are you in here all the time? :) For the coffee?

Dec 11th 2023

🐍 AppleJSnek

Shut it, busy bee!

Dec 13th 2023

🧹

Professional_Descendant

★★★☆☆

I love this shop and its whole aura. Very orange. The selection of books of prophecy is almost beyond compare. But I had to knock one star off my review because... as I said: Almost. Maybe the owner could try hitting someone with a car and stealing a prophecy book of actual value. (Yes, I also know what sarcasm is. You British do not have sole custody over that.)

The other star for this review, I had to detract for the massive blob of life-leeching dark purple aura in the back. You know, where that unkempt angry man lives that literally hisses at you if you and your boyfriend come to visit him after hearing he's having a rough time. We all appreciate the gothic gloom of an Edgar Allan Poe story as much as the next person but putting a moping depressed guy in the back of an old-timey bookshop might be taking it a little too far.

And by the way, I'm sure you don't need a hobby gardener like me to tell you this, but that devil's ivy at the counter is deader than the hooded figure with the scythe we saw at the airfield. Show the poor plant some respect and give it a proper burial in a compost pile.

Dec 13th 2023

↪ 👮 Inspector_Constable has rated the above review as “Helpful” 👍

Thank you for your review! :)
I would love to make the shop more orange! But dark purple is also a beautiful colour. Maybe we could have both? I can't well tell the human Crowley to leave. (He is very human! I am allowed to say that online! Because he is human!)

He doesn't have anywhere else to sleep except his car and Ms Sandwich told me that is very uncomfortable. And actually, he doesn't do anything I tell him to do anyway. I mean, I suggest things to him and he ignores me. Or, well, sometimes he sneers at me, so I suppose he's not ignoring me all the time!
Anyway, he came into the shop a month and a half ago and he's been sleeping on that couch ever since and I don't think I can tell him to be more orange.

Dec 13th 2023

🧹 Professional_Descendant

Please stop calling him “human Crowley.” That makes me question the events of 2018 even more and I vowed to never think about them again.

Dec 13th 2023

👮 Inspector_Constable

But Nina told me I have to call him that! :)

Dec 18th 2023

☕ coffee_or_death

What? No! I told you to stop with what you were saying before you started calling him the “human Crowley”!!

Dec 18th 2023

👮 Inspector_Constable

What should I call him then?

Dec 18th 2023

☕ coffee_or_death

Just Crowley, for the love of God! Babysitting two of your sort – one brand-new and one going through the worst break-up since the invention of romcom cold-opens – is hard enough without having any more paranormal nosey parkers like that youtuber to chase off.

Dec 14th 2023

↪ 🐍 SnakeOnABreak has rated the above review as “Not helpful” 👎

Thank you for your invaluable input, Book Girl. I'm sure someone somewhere on this planet will appreciate it. Keep looking and you might even find them! Hopefully on the opposite side of the globe from me.

D▓ 14th 2₳₰3

? dickturpin

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Dec 14th 2023

🐍 SnakeOnABreak

Stop. Doing. That.

14.Dezember 2023

? dickturpin

Thanks! I assume you made it work, now?
I was saying: You could really consider being nicer to Anathema! She came all the way from California to check in on you! So be nice!

Dec 14th 2023

🐍 SnakeOnABreak

Or what, you'll break my new phone too? You know that's a surefire way to get cursed by a supernatural entity, right?

20231214

? dickturpin

Please don't! I said I'm sorry! I was just trying to move it over so wee'd haveeee moreeeeeeeeeee spaceeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee for our teeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeea

Dec 14th 2023

🧹 Professional_Descendant

Calm down, Newt! If anybody is doing any cursing, it's me. And your stuck “e”-key, apparently. How does a key on a virtual keyboard even get stuck?
Anyway. How are we feeling, Purple Aura?

Dec 14th 2023

🐍 SnakeOnABreak

Is that what this torture you made me do is? A witch's curse? Would explain a lot actually.

Dec 14th 2023

🧹 Professional_Descendant

That's what they originally called it, back in the day. But after an image overhaul in 1926, it was renamed to “Pilates”. Have you been doing your daily exercise?

Dec 14th 2023

🐍 SnakeOnABreak

Do I look like someone who does daily bloody Pilates? No, I didn't do my “daily exercise!”

Dec 14th 2023

👮 Inspector_Constable

Because when he tried, the day after your visit, the long thread of bones and muscles in his back made a sound that I'm not sure bones and muscles should be making! And ever since then, he's a bit lopsided!
I'm sad that we couldn't use the incense sticks you brought. But the human Crowley said there is absolutely no fire allowed in the bookshop! Not even a tiny one that would make costumers complain less about his smell.

Dec 14th 2023

🧹 Professional_Descendant

As long as he does some activity every day, that's fine. It doesn't have to be good.

Dec 14th 2023

🐍 SnakeOnABreak

Cursing is an activity.

Dec 14th 2023

🧹 Professional_Descendant

And as long as you practice it on someone else than my already cursed boyfriend, that is completely fine! It gets you out of the house, is lightly engaging without being too stressful and gives a serotonin boost when done right – perfect!

Dec 14th 2023

🐍 SnakeOnABreak

Maybe I'll curse you!

Dec 14th 2023

🧹 Professional_Descendant

I'd like to see you try. Though that would be counter-productive because you will not get a serotonin boost from the outcome of that stupid idea.

Dec 14th 2023

👮 Inspector_Constable

That is true! I don't think he was very happy with his cricked back.

Dec 14th 2023

🧹 Professional_Descendant

Oh, for crying out loud! Why would you even try that? You do know I'm a witch, right? We have protection against curses!
And here I was, having a bad conscience because I thought you hurt yourself because you're bad at Pilates!

Dec 14th 2023

🐍 SnakeOnABreak

Well, it's your own fault for trying to make me do some stupid movement therapy! That's already a curse if you ask me. I was only getting payback!

Dec 14th 2023

🧹 Professional_Descendant

And how did that work out for you?

Dec 14th 2023

👮 Inspector_Constable

Very grumpily. :)

Dec 14th 2023

🧹 Professional_Descendant

Assuming he can't die and doctors are out of the question, I'll send him an instruction video on how to carefully re-set his spine. And I'll mail you a salve that he can put on the joints that hurt.

Dec 14th 2023 BC

? dickturpin

Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Dec 17th 2023

👮 Inspector_Constable

Did you send the video yet? We got the ointment today, but I checked his phone and there's no new messages.

Dec 17th 2023

🧹 Professional_Descendant

That's odd. I sent it three days ago.

Dec 23th 1700

? dickturpin

To his new phone?

Dec 17th 2023

🧹 Professional_Descendant

agh shit

Dec 18th 2023

🎵 VinylMagnateMaggie

This has nothing to do with the discussion, but do you have a new username @SnakeOnABreak? It suits you! I'm so glad you had the energy to make some changes in your life, even if it's only to your online persona!

Dec 18th 2023

🐍 SnakeOnABreak

YOU try getting around two-factor-authorisation with a new phone number, and tell me if that takes LESS energy than “changing your online persona!”

dic kturp in

? dickturpin

I know the feeling! I love technology but sometimes it's like they invent something just to make peoples' lives harder. I mean, what kind of pillock would you have to be to think up two-factor-authorisation?

Dec 18th 2023

🧹 Professional_Descendant

@SnakeOnABreak You know I can sense it when there's a new curse on him, right?

Dec 21st 2023

👁️

Archivist_of_the_Beholding

★☆☆☆☆

When I came into this shop I immediately knew something about it was off. Maybe because of a foreboding feeling deep in my bones, maybe because of the man in a suit and sunglasses doing yoga in between the bookshelves.
Trying to buy a book resulted in being hissed at and told that they don't sell books anymore.
There is clearly something very unsettling going on in there. Do not enter this bookshop if you value your spiritual integrity!

Dec 22nd 2023

↪ 🐿️ TheTravellersJester has rated the above review as “Not helpful” 👎

WOW rude!!!! Have you never seen a demon getting his post-breakup-revenge-body??? Show a little compassion!!!