Jezzy: What-?!

Ligur lurches forward – at the same time, Aziraphale and Crowley jump into action. Ligur is grabbing at Jezzy with both arms outstretched, just as the other two reach out. They’re too late. Even now. Just as the demon’s arms should crush Jezzy between them, they dissolve into thin air. Ligur vanishes, and just Yeshua stays behind. He’s strangely stiff when both Aziraphale and Crowley finally reach him.

Muriel: Where did he go?

Crowley: Nowhere good.

Yeshua: Now, where’s the ignition key…?

His voice echoes weirdly through the crowded street. There’s another, deeper one underneath his usual tenor. He shakes his hands as if he’s trying to knock something loose – all the while the rest of his body is standing there like a pillar of salt.

Aziraphale: Crowley! You’re a demon, too! Can’t you…?

Crowley: I can’t. It’s already occupied!

Aziraphale: Then what do we-

Yeshua: Crowley can’t do anything about this. You’re gonna fall, “angel”.

Crowley: (snarling) Don’t you dare!

Yeshua: I dare.

He lifts a hand towards the heavy clouds hanging above London.

Yeshua: It will come for all of us.

His hand cramps into a fist as if he is crushing something hard inside his palm. Above, a tear rips through the sky and a bright red light licks through the rift like fire.

Yeshua: Judgement is here.

A breeze picks up around them, one moment. The next, it’s a storm so loud, Crowley’s shouting is barely audible.

Crowley: ‘All of us’ includes you, you bastard!

Yeshua: But before it does, I get to see you and your fluffy boyfriend get torn to pieces!

Muriel: You can’t do that! (They take a step towards Yeshua.) Jezzy-

Yeshua: A volunteer? Let’s see what happens to traitor-angels!

He turns towards Muriel and his eyes flash bright red for only a second. The ground beneath the foot Muriel had just put forth splits open and pulls them down – the pavement swallowing them up to the shin.

Aziraphale: Muriel!

Eric: (stepping forward from the army of demons) Ligur, stop! Whose side are you on?

Muriel: I can’t get- I’m stuck! Crowley!

They reach out for help and Crowley runs towards them, ready to pull them out. Right before he can grab them, the crack in the concrete opens up to a gaping mouth and Muriel, crying out in terror, is swallowed whole.

Metatron: No traitor shall escape Judgement!

The chasm in the street slams shut to an ugly earthquake-scar and Muriel’s scream is cut off in an instant. Gone without a trace. Just like them.

Aziraphale: Where are they?

Crowley: Why Muriel? They haven’t done anything to you!

Saraqael: They betrayed Heaven when they chose to follow you instead of staying with us in the Park.

Michael: Don’t worry. You won’t have to miss them for long.

Metatron: Oh, they should have some time. Leave them for last, so they’ll see what they have wrought!

Tracy: Oh! Oh no!

They turn around to see Madame Tracy with her hands clutched in front of her mouth, staring at Shadwell. He’s up to his hip inside the ground already, clawing at the street and at the other cameraman, Blue, who was just standing next to him a second ago, and is now staring in horror. Newt runs over to help, but as soon as Shadwell grabs at Blue’s leg and Newt’s outstretched hand, all three men are dragged into the ground together.

Anathema: Newt!!!

As most of the humans scream – or gasp in despair, shock and horror – the gaping hole into nothingness slams shut above its three victims without remorse.

Behind them, in the midst of the demon-army, two figures are suddenly outlined by fire. The flames are licking up their bodies, and Eric, who is swatting at his burning forearm, sounds as terrified as the humans were.

Eric: I didn’t sign up to be judged!

Hastur: Ugh. This shit again…

He, in turn, looks slightly inconvenienced by finding himself on fire.

Demon with gills and scales on her face: (turning to the burning Hastur) Don’t worry. It’s not going to be like the Fall. (Her voice is somewhere between bored and gleeful.) This time, it will actually kill you.

Eric: Somebody do something!!

Shax: (stamping her foot repeatedly) Alright, we haven’t got forever! Attack! Tear those sanctimonious arseholes apart and stop that traitor Ligur before he kills us all!

The demons spring into action. Some rush forward, eager to be the first ones to reach the angels. Others pretend to be very busy in the back. Someone is brandishing an actual pitchfork.

Furfur: Whose side is Ligur on, anyway? Does he want to burn?

Saraqael: Oh, he is perfectly safe where he is. In fact, he’s the safest creature in all of Heaven, Hell and Earth, right now.

Uriel: Which presumably is the exact reason he chose to be there instead of on the side of an army that has lost this war once before.

Shax growls and starts to slowly, menacingly walk towards the angels herself. The rest of the demons follow her.

Michael: Finally! I’ve been waiting for millennia to finish this fight.

They reach to their side and suddenly, a flaming sword appears in their hand. Just like Shax, only with a maniacal grin on their face instead of a snarl, they begin marching towards the approaching army. The other angels start to move too.

In between the army of blood-thirsty, hollering demons and pristine, heavily armed angels – still frozen in shock from the earth opening up and swallowing four people right in their midst – are the humans, with no way out.

Aziraphale: Crowley, we have to…!

He doesn’t finish the sentence, but Crowley seems to understand anyway:

Crowley: No point in getting them out of here! (He steps around Anathema, Liv and the rest, to stand between the side he has chosen and the one he left behind.) Not while Ligur is doing that… thing.

Aziraphale stands on the other side of the humans, facing the advancing angels.

Aziraphale: Michael, you can’t have your battle here! There will be casualties!

Michael: You have no authority over me anymore, traitor!

Michael is only seconds away from Aziraphale. They’re raising their sword.

On the other side, Shax has grown claws and lifted them to face-level, honing in on the first person in her way: Crowley.

Crowley: (not taking his eyes off the demons) Angel, I before we die, I need to tell you-

Aziraphale: I don’t want you to say it just because we’re out of time!

Crowley: Angel-

Aziraphale: I want to hear it because it’s the right moment. Because you choose to tell me.

Crowley: Aziraphale, I-

Claws and swords strike out.

And just as they should connect: Lightning strikes. If there is a sound of impact, a deafening thunderclap swallows it. On Crowley’s side, the ground erupts into molten rock and flying drops of magma.

And after the dust settles, a person stands next to Aziraphale, wearing a custom-tailored suit and a formfitting white turtle-neck; just as the volcanic eruption reveals a smaller figure with a bowler hat, choppy black hair and runny eyeliner.

Short figure: (audibly annoyed) Shax? You called me becozzz you can’t deal with Shax?!

Taller person: Michael! Of course it’s you.

Michael: Gabriel?! You have some nerve to show up here!

Oh! It’s Jim. It’s Jim from the bookshop from the videos all that time ago!

Taller person, who is Jim, but who is apparently called Gabriel now: (with a chastising, sing-song tone that sounds exactly like a universally disliked upper-management boss trying to appear buddy-buddy with his employees) Careful how you talk to your superior.

Metatron: You’re nobody’s superior! You vanished just when you were being demoted, if you remember.

Gabriel: Ah, yes. Only, I vanished just before I was demoted, if I recall correctly. Which meeeeeans…?

Saraqael: Which means, technically, he’s still the Supreme Archangel.

Gabriel snaps smugly and points in the direction of the more than annoyed sounding Saraqael.

Gabriel: Exactly! You should listen more to the smart one… what was your name again? No wait. I don’t need to pretend to care about any of you anymore!

Shax: (to the one wearing the bowler hat) And Beelzebub the traitor! You have some nerve to show your face here again.

Beelzebub: (with an entirely too annoyed sigh) My lazzzt nerve, actually.

Nina: What are those two doing here?!

Crowley: Told you I called the Cavalry a while ago, didn’t I? And they sure took their bloody time!

Beelzebub: (turning to Crowley) This izzz what you choose to wazzzte your one favour on? Shax showing you her manicure?!

Crowley: I took care of your stupid angel, I get to decide what I want in return!

Aziraphale: They’re trying to end the world!

Crowley: They got Muriel! We have to get them back!

Gabriel: What do you mean?

Aziraphale: Michael and that demon made Yeshua start the Last Judgement and Muriel was pulled under!

The faces of the previously bored looking Gabriel and the annoyed looking Beelzebub get a little darker.

Gabriel: I’m sorry, bucko. If this really is the Second Coming, then there’s nothing we can do about the ones who have been judged…

Beelzebub: But we’ll stop this horzzzeshit right now! Shax, take that horde of bloody idiotzzz out of my face.

Gabriel: Yeah, we had plans for next weekend. We don’t have time to be judged. Michael, stand down.

Michael: Shut up! I will kill you alongside your traitorous friends and their pet humans! You have no authority over me! (They raise their flaming sword again.) You are not in charge anymore!

Shax: Yeah! (sounding slightly unsure) What they said!

Beelzebub: There’zzz no authority in Hell, you idiot. You loserzzz feared me not becozzz I’m a prince, but becozzz I’m zzztronger than you.

Crowley: Which hasn’t really changed.

Beelzebub: It hazzz not.

Gabriel: And I, you’ll recall, am in charge of Heaven. I’m still the Supreme Archangel.

Saraqael: Only as long as we other Archangels don’t agree to demote you.

Metatron: Like they already have before, if you’ll recall, Gabriel.

Uriel: Perhaps we should hear him out…

Michael: Nonsense! These traitors and their humans are going to feel the edge of my flaming sword-

Maggie: I’m- Help!

Everybody whips around just in time to see Maggie being swallowed up by the ground beneath her feet. Nina jumps to the place that Maggie had been, just one moment ago. But before she can let out a scream, a tear rips through the ground again, directly under Warlock and the Them. They do not seem to notice, staring to where Maggie has vanished.

Aziraphale: Warlock!

Crowley: No, no, no! Come-

The rift erupts into a gaping hole in the span of milliseconds.

Crowley: -here!

But Warlock is gone. Pepper, Brian and Wensleydale are gone. Only Adam is left standing there. Alone.

Adam: No! Give them back!

Yeshua: You’ll see them again. When your time comes. Maybe. Who knows what happens after Judgement…

Aziraphale: We have to stop this now!

Gabriel: Right!

Metatron: Oh, don’t start. Gabriel, you will be relieved from all duties as the Supreme Archangel.

Uriel: But-

Metatron: Now!

Uriel: Right…

Metatron: So we’re all in agreement.

Michael: For Heaven’s sake! Yes!

Saraqael: Yes.

Uriel: …yes.

Metatron: Then it is done! Gabriel is no longer the Supreme-

Brown: Would you please hold on a second, sir?

Metatron: Who…?

All the high-ranking angels turn around to see Mr. Brown step forward from the ever thinning crowd.

Crowley: Not again! We don’t have time to deal with your delusions of grandeur! I told you, you’re not part of the plan! There is no plan anymore! And you’re not helping!

Brown: Now, I won’t pretend I’m an expert on… uh… alien politics or whatever is going on here.

Saraqael: We’re not-

Brown: (cont. without acknowledging the interruption) I am, however, an expert on rules. And it seems to me that you said previously that, to demote the original Supreme Archangel, which I have gathered from context clues this fashionable gentleman is… (He gestures at Gabriel, who smugly raises an eyebrow at Michael after being called ‘fashionable’.) …you needed the unanimous vote from all Archangels. Is that right?

Saraqael: Yes. We already had that vote.

Brown: Well, you see, I don’t think you had, actually.

Metatron: What are you fool talking about?

Brown: Because if I’m not mistaken, that would mean you’d need the vote of Mr Fell, at this point in time.

Crowley: Wh- y- nnnghk that’s-

Aziraphale: Oh! Yes! That’s actually right, isn’t it? You didn’t want to waste time dealing with my new rank because you said-

Crowley: You said he’d fall anyway.

Azirapahle: Well, I haven’t fallen yet. And I refuse. Gabriel stays in charge of all of you.

Gabriel: And I’m ordering you to stand down.

Michael looks as if they’re about to bring their sword down on Aziraphale’s neck. Their entire arm is trembling with the exertion of some kind of invisible power they’re pushing against.

Michael: Nnnnnargh!

The sword is thrown to the ground. By Michael themselves – by someone, something else – who can tell? A hush falls over the three unlike groups as all the angels lower their weapons.

Crowley: …I can’t believe that know-it-all of a rules-lawyer actually saved us.

Brown: Well, you should never underestimate the power of sticking to the rules in Great B-

But already, there is another scream: Nina’s voice. By the time everyone turns to see what is going on, she’s nowhere to be found anymore.

Aziraphale: Nina!

Crowley: That bastard Ligur is still going…!

Gabriel: Sorry, seems I didn’t save you for long, sunshine.

In front of everyone’s eyes, the earth opens; Ms Sandwich is being pulled into the abyss. Tracy, too. Then Anathema when trying to grab hold of her. One after the other, the humans drown in whatever awaits them below.

The camera is whirled around before it suddenly becomes steady – steadier than it has been in a long while. Liv’s face appears, close, her eyes frantic, the camera out of her hands.

Liv: Whoever is watching- you have to know- someone out there has to know that this is what’s happening. You’ll make it out. Someone will. Tell my parents-

And then she’s gone. For a moment, only darkness is left where she was standing, and the camera remains, steady, on a windowsill of the bookshop, looking out at the few who remain: The angels. A handful of demons. Adam. Gabriel and Beelzebub. Crowley and Aziraphale, almost standing back-to-back now, as the group of humans they were protecting is diminished to no one but the Antichrist.

And there’s still one other thing: whatever possesses Yeshua, still in his body.

Aziraphale: Gabriel, do something!

Gabriel: Calming down humans is not exactly part of my expertise!

Beelzebub: That’zzz not a human. Not only. (They squint at Yeshua.) Ligur! Get out of there!

Yeshua: Hm. I’ll stay in here where none of you can lay a finger on me.

Beelzebub: That’zzz an order!

Yeshua: Didn’t you know? We have free will.

Gabriel: I don’t think there’s much we can do…

Adam: Jezzy, you have to-

Adam is already half sunken into the ground, but something is struggling heavily with him, more than with all the humans before.

Adam: -you have to fight for your choices!

He sinks to his shoulders.

Yeshua: I’m- …Oh, he’s trying. But he’s not in control anymore.

Adam: You have to fight for it!

But Judgement pulls him under.

Gabriel: Bee, stop him!

Beelzebub: I can’t. We’ll have to kill him!

Crowley: And then what?!

A crack forms in the street beneath Aziraphale.

Aziraphale: The boy needs to stop this! Even if we killed him…

There’s a sudden cloud of smoke gushing out from Crowley’s feet.

Crowley: …it wouldn’t stop.

Gabriel: What then?

Beelzebub: I’m thinking!

With a noise as if the frame of reality tears apart, hands erupt from the rift in the ground and grab at Aziraphale’s legs as if trying to rend him apart.

Crowley: Angel!

He grasps Aziraphale’s hand like Crowley is the one needing to hold on, like he is being torn from this Earth. The tips of Aziraphale’s wings turn jagged and black; something is charring them with a fire that not even the camera can pick up.

Crowley: Angel, don’t let go!

The grotesque hands yank the angel’s calf and Aziraphale buckles. He stumbles to one knee, immediately sinking into the ground up to his thighs.

Aziraphale: You will be pulled down, too! You have to let me go!

Crowley: No! Not again!

And then, Crowley’s feet burst into flames.

Aziraphale lets out a scream that sounds as if he’s in agony.

Aziraphale: I’m sorry I didn’t say it!

Crowley: I’m sorry I was too hurt to let you.

Aziraphale: I love you, Crowley.

A sob bursts from Crowley’s chest, and flames lick at it to burn it up, too.

Aziraphale: I have always loved you. For such a long time.

The black corruption seeps further up Aziraphale’s wings. One of the hands from below takes hold of his shirt and pulls. But Crowley is holding onto the falling angel’s hands like a drowning man, even though it means both their fingers are consumed by fire.

Crowley: I just got you back! You said you’ll not leave again! Aziraphale, I can’t let you go. Don’t let go!

Aziraphale: I won’t!

He sounds heartbroken.

Crowley: I’m not letting it take you. We have to do something!

Gabriel: How do we- ...we pull that demon out of the human?!

Beelzebub: Not pozzzible. The human hazzz to do push him out itself! And it would take a miracle-

Yeshua: (laughing) A bigger miracle than a Prince of Hell or a Supreme Archangel are capable of.

Gabriel: We can’t do anything!

Crowley: I’m not letting it take him!

He sounds desperate. He sounds breathless. He’s gasping through a holy fire that is burning the oxygen in his lungs, but he is still holding onto Aziraphale’s hands.

Crowley: We’re not giving up, Aziraphale! Do you hear me?

A ghostly hand has taken hold of Aziraphale’s neck.

Aziraphale: Alright! Yes! (He’s hearing the frantic hope in Crowley’s voice and tries desperately to let himself be infected by it.) One last miracle!

Crowley: Together!

Aziraphale: (eyes going wide) Crowley! That’s it! “Each half a miracle!”

Crowley: You mean...!

Aziraphale chokes as the fingers around his throat tighten. Despite it all, his eyes light up with intent.

Aziraphale: “The biggest, most momentous halves of the most important miracle of our lives!”

And as they hold onto each other’s hands with all their might – fire consuming Crowley, Aziraphale being dragged down – they close their eyes and breathe in at the same time. The demon is a burning inferno, kneeling on the ground to be able to get to his angel, but they manage to touch their foreheads together over their clutched hands, and hold their breath.

Metatron: No! Stop them! This is what I was trying to prevent! This is why I separated them!

Aziraphale: Neither Hell nor Heaven-

Crowley: (cont.) -will have any power over humanity!

And suddenly, everything stops.

There’s a moment of stillness, where no one moves, no one speaks, the universe holds Her breath, and an angel and a demon are clinging to each other and the humanity they have chosen to protect.

And then something ruptures and a demon with a chameleon on their head is torn from the body of a human man in his thirties, who looks down on them with the fire that is consuming Aziraphale’s entire world reflecting in his eyes.

Jezzy: Enough! None of this!

His voice is quiet, but it thunders over the planet and fills the rifts that were gouging through the Earth.

Ligur scrambles to their feet and wildly grasps for Jezzy’s body again. But instead of the demon’s form going through the human like smoke as it did last time… Jezzy grabs Ligur’s very corporeal wrist with ease.

Jezzy: I said none of this will happen!

A blinding light emanates from where the Earth is still torn open – and the wounds heal. The ground sews itself up again. As soon as Crowley is bathed in the light from below, where he is hunched over Aziraphale’s vanishing form, the flames die down. He pulls his angel out of the hole – and the Earth lets him go.

Jezzy: None of this will have happened.

And one by one, the lost friends appear where they would have stood, had Jezzy been in control the entire time: Muriel. Shadwell. Newt. Blue. Maggie. Tracy. Anathema. Nina. Wensleydale. Brian. Pepper. Warlock. Liv… Adam.

All of them.

Adam: Jezzy, you made it!

The fire goes out from Jezzy’s eyes as he drops Ligur and catches a gangly teenager who is attacking him with a hug.

Jezzy: Would never have done it without your help, my little dude! Thanks for the lesson in humanity!

Meanwhile, Crowley breathes out for the first time in what feels like an eternity. He seems a little out of it. And he’s still clutching Aziraphale’s hands in his.

Crowley: We’re not dead.

Aziraphale: It seems like we’re very much alive, my dear.

In contrast to his demon, Aziraphale is beaming.

Crowley: Right. This doesn’t mean I’m not still mad at you… but there’s something I wanted to do- again- but- only if you also want-

Aziraphale: Yes!

Crowley: I wasn’t fin-

Aziraphale: The answer is yes, Crowley!

Crowley: I really am still mad at you!

With that, Crowley grabs Aziraphale’s jaw and smashes their mouths together. Aziraphale carefully puts both his hands around the nape of Crowley’s neck and sinks into it.

Michael: You- you ruined everything!

Michael picks up an extinguished sword from where a tear should part the street. Their fists clench around the hilt so hard, the knuckles turn white. They raise it– and with a cry of pure rage, Michael flings themselves, sword first, at Crowley and Aziraphale.

The once again flaming blade passes clean through them.

And yet they’re still kissing. Completely unhurt. Completely unbothered.

Crowley: …but I also love you.

Aziraphale: Hmmm? (He’s smiling, but he seems completely lost to whatever just happened… and to what Crowley just said.)

Crowley: In addition to the being mad.

Aziraphale: What?

Crowley: (exasperated) I said I love you, angel!

Michael: (absolutely fuming) You…!

Gabriel: Whoops, seems like someone has developed the free will to choose not to obey Heaven anymore!

Michael: What are you idiot prattling on about?!

Gabriel: I ordered you to stand down. You attacked them anyway. You disobeyed me. You disobeyed a direct order from your Supreme Archangel, and therefore an order from Heaven! Congrats, old friend.

Gabriel patronizingly slaps a large hands onto their shoulder and laughs.

Michael: I- no, I- …

Muriel: (with an honest smile on their face) Oh no, you definitely attacked them! We all saw it!

Michael: (shouting) Then why aren’t they finally dead!? I ran them through with my sword!

Beelzebub: Havvven’t you heard? Neither Heavvven nor Hell will have any power over humanity anymore.

Michael: They’re not part of humanity! They’re traitors to all angels and demons!

Adam: Have you really not learnt anything from all I’ve said today?

Michael: What do you want!?

Adam: Everyone has free will, and everyone makes the choice of who they are, who their family is, and who they belong to.

Warlock: It’s “whom” you moron.

Adam: Even a rude American who chooses to be part of the Them.

Anathema: (crushing Newt to her chest as if she hadn’t just been judged herself, too) I think those two have always done a bad job at being an angel and a demon.

Maggie: Well, they’ve certainly been around here long enough to have gone native.

Brown: Oh, certainly! They’re both members of the Whickber Street Shopkeeper's Association, after all!

Michael: If they’re part of humanity, then how could they have performed that goddamned miracle?

Jezzy: Who says humans don’t work miracles?

Gabriel: He’s got a point there. (He’s looking impassively at Michael, while pointing his thumb at Jezzy with a shrug.) He’s a human who works miracles. That’s kind of his whole shtick. They wrote a book about it, I think.

Anathema: That’s not it… Not entirely at least. I can see their auras. They’re definitely still an angel and a demon…

Newt: (his voice muffled from speaking into his girlfriend’s chest, since he’s still in her loving vice-grip) Huh?

Anathema: They’re just part of humanity. As an angel and a demon, I mean.

Nina: Good enough for me. That’s kind of what they’ve always been.

Maggie: Huh. That’s not wrong, I guess.

Uriel: Does that mean we can still punish Gabriel and the Prince of Hell?

Gabriel: Uuuuuhm…

Metatron: And if we need to use the Book of Life to wipe the stain you have left on the position of Supreme Archangel from existence…!

Gabriel: Now hold on a second, there! (He holds up his pointer finger to the Metatron and just turns away from him, towards Aziraphale, Crowley, and the humans.) Is there still space in your… weird little… family… thing?

Tracy: Oh, of course! We can adopt you two, dearie! Can’t we, Mr Shadwell?

Shadwell: Ower ma dead body!

Tracy: Oh, it’s fine! (To Beelzebub.) Would you mind telling him you have two nipples?

Beelzebub: Sure, I havvve no qualms about lying.

Tracy: (patting Shadwell on the chest) See?

Sandwich: You’re adopted, Jim, luv! And your weird spouse, too.

Aziraphale: (sighing heavily) Well, I suppose they did come all the way here to save our lives.

Crowley: And took their sweet time doing it. I called you a bloody day ago!

Beelzebub: Do you havvve any idea how much traffic there izzz around Proxima Centauri during thizzz time of azzztronomical year?

Gabriel: It’s a holiday on Betelgeuse. And to be fair, we didn’t think it was that urgent.

Crowley: What about ‘the world is ending’ did not sound urgent to you?!

Gabriel: Ugh, the world is always ending with you two! Remember last time you thought that?

Crowley: Yes! It was when the world was ending!

Gabriel: But it didn’t! You had it covered, didn’t you!

Crowley: I’m about to dis-adopt you.

Aziraphale: Oh, hush, darling. They came through for us in the end.

Maggie: They live on another planet, right? Does that mean they have to stay on Earth now?

Beelzebub: Oh, Zzzatan!

Gabriel: (scrunching up his nose as if he tasted something disgusting) Maybe annihilation isn’t so bad, after all…

Metatron: You’re joking. All of you tiny ants crawling over this planet, living and dying in the blink of a celestial eye – and you, traitors who choose to live in the dust with them – you’re joking around as if you haven’t just monumentally mucked it all up! The Great Plan! The Ineffable Plan! The entire reason any of this dump you call Earth exists in the first place! And you think it’s all a joke!

Aziraphale: Oh, lighten up.

Metatron: You dare-

Aziraphale: Yes, yes, you’re incredibly important and powerful and I’m sure you have a lot to say about it all. But there’s something I’ve wanted to say to you since the moment you put that coffee into my hand. I admit there was a very short period after that where I didn’t want to say it, but the desire has grown ever since.

Crowley: (snorts and takes his hand) Go on.

Aziraphale: Get. Off. Our. Damn. Planet!

Warlock: There wasn’t anything in that miracle about us not being able to hurt them, was there…?

Muriel: But we don’t need to hurt them! We’ve shown them that they have free will, right? They can now leave because they choose to!

Saraqael: Fine. You’ve messed this up so completely, I don’t think there’s anything left for us to do.

Michael: (to Aziraphale and Crowley, still fuming, still holding their sword) If you think this changed anything…!

Uriel: I think it did, actually.

Michael: What?!

Uriel: I think I choose that from now on, I will be the one in charge of you.

Michael: What?!! You can’t-

Uriel: Perhaps not. Or perhaps I can. But I choose to find out.

Beelzebub: And you lot… (They turn around, towards the miraculously restored army of Hell.) …fuck off.

Shax: (snarling) Fine! You win. For now. Everyone! Back to Hell!

All the demons shuffle around and pack their things (which are several insects and amphibians that have fallen off of heads and exactly one pitchfork), before their eyes eventually fall onto Ligur, and they stop.

Ligur takes a step back, away from the demons and towards the angels.

Ligur: Maybe… (to Michael) I’ll just come with you.

Metatron: A demon in Heaven? Inconceivable! You filthy fool, you must have gone mad!

Michael: (with an annoyed sigh) Oh, shut up, let them come!

Metatron: What?! You dare-

Michael: (rolling their eyes) What does it matter at this point?

Metatron: You will not disobey me!

Michael: (scoffing) Whatever. Come on, demon, I won’t wait for you.

Ligur scuttles off together with Michael, followed by Saraqael, Uriel, and the rest of the angelic army, until only the Metatron is left.

Metatron: The last word has not been spoken-

Crowley: You heard my angel, old geezer. Sod off.

Metatron: I will not-

Warlock: Shoo!

He walks away with the most hatred-filled expression anyone on earth has ever seen… if anyone on earth would have seen it. But nobody is paying him any attention.

The demons leave the battlefield, too; albeit a little more cowed than their enemies.

Jezzy: Rad! We did it!

Crowley: I gotta admit, you are better at saving the world than you are at skateboarding. Just barely.

Jezzy: So what now?

Adam: Well, there has been a lot of chaos on earth ever since all the weird stuff from the apocalypse started happening. You know… Whales, judgemental clouds, red skies. I think it would be best if you miracled it so that all of that stuff that broke unbreaks and all of the people who were traumatised forget about it.

Jezzy: Oh, tight. Finna! (He hesitates.) Only… maybe I’ll put in a few more skateparks.

Adam: Seriously, I don’t think changing stuff around is the best idea-

Jezzy: Nah, dude. I learnt something today.

Adam: But-

Jezzy: I’m done taking orders. From now on, I’ll do what I want.

With that, he turns to wink directly at the camera, and the stream shuts down.

 

And the world, for everyone who was watching, and everyone who wasn’t, is still turning.

 

End of Stream.