Voice: And what do you think you’re doing?
It’s a sudden, cold voice that sounds displeased in the way the Queen sounded British.
As the camera turns around alongside Liv, a second crowd of newcomers becomes visible, arriving from the opposite side of the street. These are clad in various shades of white and look just as pissed off as the other guys.
Muriel: Michael! Can we talk, maybe?
Michael: (holding up a blocking hand towards Muriel without looking at them) Not now.
Muriel: But it’s really-
Michael: (talking over them) You! (They point at Jezzy.) Come with us! You’re late for your appointment with the end. How did you escape Heaven?
Jezzy: Aziraphale was like “yo, you should go down there and see what’s up” and I-
Michael: Aziraphale?! (Only now do they seem to notice all the other people around.) Yes. I heard you were back, Aziraphale. Unfortunately, your position has been re-filled in your absence.
Aziraphale: By you.
It’s not a question.
Michael: Of course by me. Who else would there be who is suitable to-
Someone in the bookshop-crowd clears her throat.
Michael: (rolling their eyes upwards as if asking the Almighty for patience) Yes, what?
From behind Anathema and Newt steps an elegant lady with a haughty expression on her face, clad in a pristine, white suit that fits in perfectly with the newly arrived army of angels.
Michael: Oh, hello Uriel. I thought we might have lost you.
It sounds like an admonishment for that not being the case.
Uriel: You were saying? You’re the only one suitable?
Michael: (blinking with faux innocence) Why, of course! It’s a great responsibility but some Archangel had to step up.
Uriel: (stone-faced) And that was you.
Michael: Well, you weren’t there. (They turn both ways to briefly look at the crowd behind them.) As everybody can attest.
A quick, affirming murmur goes through the army clad in the worst colour for combat, given how hard it will be to get blood out of.
Uriel: I’m here now. And I could have been there before, if you had not refused to let me come back.
The murmur gets louder and has an uptick at the end.
Michael: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Uriel: “Things have been more orderly since Uriel fell into your trap” were your exact words if memory serves. Which it does.
The murmuring becomes unruly.
Michael: Well, it’s hardly my fault that the demon told you about that! So you can’t hold that against me. It would be uncharitable.
Anathema: I’m afraid that’s not how it works, here on Earth.
Aziraphale: That’s not even how it works in Heaven.
Michael: I suppose you can join us now. But already implemented promotions cannot be taken back.
Crowley: (raising his eyebrows so high, they would be visible above his sunglasses, if he were still wearing them) Oh? So Aziraphale is still Supreme Archangel then?
Michael: No.
Uriel: Really? Why?
Michael: Whose side are you on?
Uriel: The one that keeps you from usurping the command.
Saraqael: Uriel has a point.
Michael: Excuse me? I’m just trying to lead Heaven to glory!
Saraqael: I’m saying that Aziraphale wasn’t an Archangel before. And as a Principality, it was highly irregular to put him in charge to begin with. Which is why he was promoted to an Archangel and then given his new Supreme post. The latter of which was done with the express purpose of him leading our army in the Second Coming. To bring in the deserving and to cut down the sinners and demons.
Aziraphale: Oh, I think you have the wrong angel. I know demons far more deserving than any of you lot.
Crowley: Weeeeell, I don’t know about the plural there, angel…
Aziraphale: Oh, hush, I’m trying to defend you here!
Saraqael: Yes. I agree with you that we have the wrong person. Thank you for stepping down as Supreme Archangel.
Aziraphale: Hold on!
Michael: Exactly! Thank you, Saraqael!
Saraqael: Which means that in the absence of Gabriel, Uriel and you are equally qualified to be Supreme Archangel.
Michael: (finally dropping their faked innocent voice, and sounding rather annoyed now) What?!
Uriel: I suppose a cooperation is… acceptable.
She moves to stand beside Michael, opposite of Aziraphale, Crowley and the rest.
Michael: No!
Saraqael: Alternatively, we could hand the command over to Uriel for as long as you’ve had it.
Michael: Fine! We’ll… “cooperate” then. Ugh.
Uriel: Let’s get the boy. (She turns to Jezzy.) It’s time.
Crowley: (grinding his teeth) So much for gratitude.
Uriel: I don’t owe you anything.
Aziraphale: (with pursed lips) No, I suppose if you ever owed anyone anything, you’d spontaneously combust.
Michael: Yes, yes. Come with us now… ugh. What was his name again?
Uriel: (rolling her eyes) Yeshua.
Michael: Oh, whatever. Come now, boy, we wouldn’t want to upset your parent, now, would we?
Jezzy: I guess not…
He bites his lip, hesitating – standing still in the crowd of humans who are all looking at him expectantly. It seems like he is going to have to let down someone.
Michael: Come now! We don’t have all day.
Young man next to Pepper: Why not?
Pepper: Brian, shush!
Young man beside Brian: No, he is right, actually. Is the end of the world on a schedule?
Brian: Yeah! What Wensleydale said!
Saraqael: The end of the world is already behind schedule by a lot; and if the reports are correct, you four know that very well.
Jezzy: Could I, like, talk to Mum? Maybe I can end the world a little? Like, world hunger. And we leave the rest alone?
Pepper: Misogyny!
Anathema: Or global warming!
Adam: And nuclear reactors.
Aziraphale: Tax audits.
Crowley: Tax audits?! That’s your priority?
Aziraphale: They keep making me re-file everything even though I do it the correct way, as instructed.
Crowley looks at him with a mix of bewilderment and what that looks like he’s finally found something important that he thought he had lost for good, a long time ago.
Uriel: No. You will not end parts of the world. You will end it all.
Michael: You will do as we say!
Uriel, for the first time since we’ve seen her, lets an emotion pass over her face: She lifts an eyebrow and looks slightly pleased when Michael says “we”.
Uriel: Yes. We’re in charge now.
Crowley: Yeeeeah… why exactly?
Michael: What do you mean?
Crowley: I thought Aziraphale is the Supreme Archangel. Technically, you have to listen to him.
Uriel: Aziraphale was put in charge as a substitute Supreme Archangel.
Crowley: Right, so since I don’t see the original anywhere-
Saraqael: As I’ve said: Aziraphale was promoted to the post as Supreme Archangel with the express task to start the Second Coming. Since he does not seem particularly interested in fulfilling that task, that post is no longer his. (to Aziraphale) Or are you going to tell Yeshua to do as he’s told?
Aziraphale: I’m afraid I’ve had quite of enough of “doing as one has been told”.
Saraqael: That’s what I thought.
Michael: Which means you’re now nothing more than a regular Archangel.
Muriel: I thought he was a Principality?
Saraqael: Unfortunately… since the Metatron for some reason wanted him in charge, we had to change his entire Heavenly Being from Principality to Archangel.
Uriel: We couldn’t just have given the role of Supreme Archangel to a Principality.
Michael: As soon as I have time to file the paperwork, that is a mistake I will correct.
Muriel: Oh? Are we going to promote more non-Archangels to Supreme Archangel?
Michael: (horrified) No! I will correct the mistake that this traitor can call himself an Archangel!
Saraqael: No need. He will be Judged by Yeshua and Fall like he should have done aeons ago.
Crowley snarls like an attack-dog and steps in front of Aziraphale.
Aziraphale: (quietly to Crowley) It’s alright. I have been ready for it in the land of Uz and I am ready for it now.
Crowley, not breaking eye-contact with Michael, Uriel and Saraqael, reaches blindly behind himself with one hand. When Aziraphale catches it in his, he holds on.
Saraqael: For now, given your refusal to complete the only task that you were meant to step into Gabriel’s shoes for, the “Supreme”-role will pass to an Archangel who is willing to be a leader.
Muriel: I thought Gabriel was demoted to junior recording angel of the 38th class!
Crowley: Yeeeah, that’s what they wanted to do, wasn’t it?
Michael: (angrily) All the Archangels were in agreement about it.
Crowley: Only our dear old Gabriel vanished before you could do that, didn’t he? And now you’re stuck finding a task-wise replacement instead of making a new actual Supreme Archangel. It was a fun thing to see on the recording. Thanks again for that!
Saraqael looks unimpressed as he grins at her.
Uriel: It is of no consequence. He, too, will be Judged and cast down in the Second Coming.
Michael: For which it is high time! Human boy!
Jezzy: (reluctantly) Yeah…?
Michael: You will come with us and fulfil your only purpose on this Earth.
Jezzy: … Finna.
With slouched shoulders, he walks over to Uriel and Michael, his back to his friends.
Warlock: Oh, come on! Grow a spine!
Adam: Are you just gonna let them tell you what to do?!
Jezzy: ‘s what I lived for. ‘n’ what I died for, too. To give humanity the kingdom of heaven.
Warlock: Seriously? And what about those humans who don’t get there? (He points to Michael and Uriel.) Because those assholes think they’re sinners.
Jezzy: (shrugging weakly) ‘s part of the deal, innit? They made their choices.
Warlock: Really? Even if they grew up learning that cruelty is normal?
Crowley cringes visibly, but Aziraphale squeezes his hand and shakes his head at him.
Warlock: (cont.) Or if they were poor? Or in an impossible situation? Or trying to save someone else from one?
Jezzy: If they started with less, they get more chances to choose good over evil. (The sentence sounds rehearsed. There is an uptick in his voice at the end.)
Warlock: (angrily) Oh that’s-
Aziraphale: -Horseshit.
Crowley whips his head around at the angel and stares at him.
Aziraphale: That’s what they say to make them feel better. To make us feel better.
Crowley: You really think so, now?
Aziraphale: Oh, you silly thing. I’ve thought so ever since someone has shown me the truth in a graveyard in Scotland. (He turns to Jezzy again, who looks at the concrete of the street between them, and yet his eyes seem to see a thousand miles away.) You’ve been to Earth for some time now. What is your impression?
Jezzy doesn’t answer.
Pepper: And what about the people who had the best intentions but ended up hurting others? Where are they in your so-called ‘Judgement’?
Jezzy: What do you mean?
Wensleydale: Yes, actually! What about people who saw how terrible this world had become and tried to change it by force?
Brian: Yeah. It might not be the right way, but it was the right thought behind it.
Adam: Guys, you don’t have to-
Pepper: Oh, hush, Adam. Firstly, I’m not a guy. And secondly, we’re talking now. (To Jezzy.) So what is it? What about someone who is very kind at heart but didn’t know how to fight cruelty other than with cruelty?
Uriel: Being cruel was a choice that he made. That’s what your hallowed ‘free will’ is for.
Adam: Alright. What about free will then? What about the people who’ve been good? The people you’re judging as worthy and who will go to Heaven with you? If you’ve given them free will to prove themselves to you and they did, then how do you justify taking it away from them now?
Jezzy: I’m not-
Newt: I don’t want to leave. I mean- I don’t know if I’ll go to Heaven or not, but I hope I would? But I don’t don’t want to!
Nina: Yeah. If some of us have proven ourselves in your messed up little game of free will, then why are you punishing us by taking it away from us and making the biggest possible choice for us?
Michael: (tutting and rolling their eyes at the same time) It’s not a punishment.
Maggie: That’s not for you to decide.
Anathema: You don’t get to force this on us and call it a reward!
Crowley: So what will it be? Destiny or free will?
Aziraphale: (with compassion) The choice is yours, Yeshua.
Jezzy: Jezzy.
Aziraphale: Pardon?
Jezzy: I think I’d like to go by ‘Jezzy’ now.
Crowley: (starts to grin from ear to ear) That’s a good boy! (To the angels.) Fascinating, isn’t it? Their lifespans are so short but they learn so fast, these humans.
Michael: What? What do you mean?
Jezzy: I’m not the Yeshua I was 2000 years ago.
Crowley: It means that people change.
Aziraphale: That’s the wonderful thing about this world. Everything always changes. And it often starts with a choice. It’s why ‘destiny’ has never worked for them.
Saraqael: Oh, don’t think just because they chose to go against their fate, that that is something you can do, Yeshua!
Adam: What’s that supposed to mean?
Saraqael: Look at them! The Antichrist, his friends who have killed our horsemen, and a boy who was groomed to end the world and thinks cruelty is kindness. They’re all standing with one foot in Hell already. They’re not like us.
Anathema: Then what about us? And don’t come at me with that “witches worship Satan” nonsense. We both know it’s not true, and if it was, you’d have to admit that Newt and the old man are on the ‘good’ side then, as Witchfinders.
She points at Mr. Shadwell without looking at him. Mr. Shadwell immediately points back as if they’re both wielding weapons.
Saraqael: (sounding unimpressed) Yeshua may be human, but he is also of Heaven. You hardly compare to him. Your rejection of your role means nothing against the rejection of a role assigned by Heaven itself. You don’t get to ‘free will’ yourself out of Heaven.
Crowley: (eyebrows lifted with faux surprise) Oh, don’t you?
Aziraphale: Curious, then, how you all just had a whole discussion about me being made into an Archangel with only one assignment that I refuse to carry out.
Saraqael: One bad apple means nothing in the grand scheme of Heaven.
Nina: What about Jim, then?
Michael: Who?
Maggie: Gabriel!
Saraqael: (scornful) Gabriel, too, was deceived and tempted by one of Hell’s agents.
Muriel: (quietly) So what about me?
Uriel: (confused, as if they only now noticed Muriel for the first time) You? Who even are you?
Muriel: I’m a scrivener of the 37th rank.
Michael: (raising one eyebrow) And?
Muriel: (slowly getting less and less quiet) And I am an angel who chooses to save humanity from Heaven. And before you say that I was tempted into that decision by Crowley: You told me to come down here and observe Aziraphale and Crowley. You told me to observe Nina and Maggie and find out how humans and love work. You made me do this, and I did it, and that’s why I made my choice.
Crowley: To think that I called in the big guns and was worried when they didn’t show. Just to see you lot be bested by the concept of choice. (He is smiling like a proud father.) Looks like this ‘choice’ thing isn’t just for those unaffiliated with Heaven, does it now?
Uriel: It’s… not…?
Saraqael: (glaring at Uriel) It doesn’t apply to angels. Even if they’re in charge.
Michael: (turning to Jezzy, gritting their teeth) Boy, you will start passing Judgement, now!
Jezzy: No.
Uriel: ‘No’?
Saraqael: You can’t just say ‘no’!
Jezzy: No, I choose to say ‘no’.
Muriel: Heaven or not, he does have free will as a human.
Crowley: Eh… (He looks at Aziraphale for a second, with an expression that might almost be forgiveness if it wasn’t so soft.) I’d say angels and demons get that too. (After a moment, he tears his eyes away and his small, private smile becomes more gleeful when he looks at the other angels in front of him.) But it comes much easier and faster to humans. Maybe you shouldn’t have made him human, hm?
Aziraphale: (with mischievously pursed lips) Yes, that seems like quite the miscalculation now, doesn’t it?
Michael: This blasted world will end now!
Jezzy: No. Second Coming is cancelled. Everyone chill.
Michael: Oh, you really think it’s that easy?
Jezzy: Not really? (He frowns.) It’s that complicated. There’s, like, choices and consequences and if this whole thing (He gestures all around himself, all-encompassing.) doesn’t end, then we got even more consequences. But that’s, like, the whole deal with choice; that we wanna get the consequences that pass the vibe check and not whatevs the world throws at us. And peeps chose knowledge and the consequence was no longer being allowed to squat in Mum’s garden. But afaik no one ever really complains about it. So yeah. Choice is fire. And I’m making one. Was about time, I guess.
Adam: Hell yes!
Another voice: What a… rousing speech.
From somewhere down the street, an old man turns the corner. The army of angels splits for him like the Red Sea did for Moses, as he walks slowly – menacingly – towards the group around Jezzy. It’s the angel from where the bookstand fell. The Metatron.
Jezzy: Who’s the geezer?
Metatron: The voice of someone who is very disappointed in you…
Jezzy: Oh. You. If Mum’s disappointed in me, She can tell me Herself.
Crowley: I wouldn’t hold my breath.
Metatron: Would you look at that! I agree with the failed demon for once. She’d be especially disappointed with you, young man, for thinking you made a hard choice. Someone like you doesn’t even know what that means. (He smiles like a creature that has only ever mimicked that expression from others.) Because it is that easy. Michael! Call your… associate.
Michael: Hm.
They take out a transparent slab in the shape of a phone and hold it to their ear.
On the other side of the street, a phone rings.
Michael: (looking up, into the crowd of suspiciously quiet demons) Oh, you’re here.
Metatron: Good. That will make this go even faster.
Aziraphale: (slightly alarmed) Why do you have the number of a demon? I thought, you…!
A demon steps out of the crowd; tall, dark and weirdly handsome, with orange eyes, curly black hair and a chameleon on their head.
Crowley: Ligur. Should’ve known you were in cahoots with upstairs. How’s life been treating you? Last time I saw you, you were a puddle of goo underneath my last bottle of a carpet-cleaner. Gotta say, it was a better look on you. What happened to that?
Adam: I-
Warlock: You screwed it up. Good intentions again. We get it.
Aziraphale: (still talking to Michael) And how is this gentleman supposed to change young Jezzy’s mind?
Michael: They’re not.
Aziraphale: Then what-
Metatron: Well, as your traitor-friend so aptly put it: We’re only in this mess because the boy is human. Unfortunately they have “free will”. What they don’t have, however, is an immunity against demonic possession.
Aziraphale: Don’t-
Jezzy: What-?!
Ligur lurches forward – at the same time, Aziraphale and Crowley jump into action. Ligur is grabbing at Jezzy with both arms outstretched, just as the other two reach out. They’re too late. Even now. Just as the demon’s arms should crush Jezzy between them, they dissolve into thin air. Ligur vanishes, and just Yeshua stays behind. He’s strangely stiff when both Aziraphale and Crowley finally reach him.
Muriel: Where did he go?
Crowley: Nowhere good.
There’s a beat of silence. Then–
Yeshua: Now, where’s the ignition key…?
