The Yelp Chronicles

April 13^th 2024

🎈

Elira19

★☆☆☆☆

The books are just fine if you go here to browse. But that’s not what I’m writing this review about.
I don’t know how to feel about this, in all honestly. One of the new employees or interns or whatever that they have… He came up to me from behind and just touched my ear without warning or permission. I nearly jumped out of my skin! And from the shock or whatever, I had some kind of… reverse sudden hearing loss? My otologist can’t explain it. I can just suddenly hear for the first time in my life. And it’s loud. Everything is so horribly noisy! How do hearing people deal with that? Yes, yes, my doctor said it’s a matter neurological routine and all that, and I might yet grow accustomed to it too. But I don’t know if I even want to! I constantly flinch at every noise. I can’t sleep. I am being anxious as hell!
And most of all, I feel weird. This isn’t not me, but it’s also not me. I don’t know.
I get that you can’t have known this would happen just from touching the side of my head, but please never do that to anyone again! Even if this hadn’t gone the way it did, your behaviour would still be highly inappropriate.

April 13^th 2024

↪ 🫒 JezzyGJr. has rated the above review as “Not helpful” 👎

Yo, sorry! I have a job to do down here n I don’t really vibe with it. Like, at all. So I thought y not make a few peeps smile be4 I go apeshit n everything. But now ur upset. I don’t get it. Isnt hearing a good thing?

April 13^th 2024

🎈 Elira19

I mean, it’s not a bad thing in itself. It’s a neutral thing, I guess. But it’s not my thing. I don’t know. It’s hard to explain how I feel about it.

April 13^th 2024

🫒 JezzyGJr.

When I did the thing in the past, ppl were more thrilled about it somehow.

April 13^th 2024

🎈 Elira19

??? Please stop just touching people if that’s a thing you regularly do! That’s not a productive way to cope with hating your job!

April 13^th 2024

🫒 JezzyGJr.

Yeah but like, I really don’t wanna do it, so I need to do smth else b4 I do!

April 13^th 2024

🎈 Elira19

Just quit your job!!!

April 13^th 2024

🫒 JezzyGJr.

I can’t, it’s too important n nobody else is gonna do it.

April 13^th 2024

↪ 🐍 SnakeOnABreak has rated the above review as “Helpful” 👍

we’re gonna deduct the damages from our unpaid intern’s wages
i know a specialist who can reverse what happened if you want to do that

April 13^th 2024

🎈 Elira19

Thanks. I don’t know. I’ll let you know.
And maybe talk to your intern about how much he hates working for you.

April 13^th 2024

🐍 SnakeOnABreak

this isn’t the job he hates
and believe me, i’m talking to him about it all the bloody time
he thinks he’s gotta do what he’s told to do

April 13^th 2024

🫒 JezzyGJr.

It’s not like I have a choice!

April 13^th 2024

🐍 SnakeOnABreak

i don’t know if you understand what that word even means
and ironically that’s the whole problem about choice

April 14^th 2024

👔

Adrian_Monk

★☆☆☆☆

There is no sorting system! If the books are sorted at all, it's a system specifically designed to cause the most emotional upset in people who have to see it!
There is no sorting to the customers, either! I was orderly queueing behind a gentleman whose vest is very old and had a thread coming loose on the right side, and whenever I tried to tell him that he needs to trim that thread because vests are not supposed to have loose threads dangling to one side, he brushed me off saying he is too busy trying to get the staff’s attention. So this man was in front of me. But the salesman turned to me instead, even though I told him I’m second in line. He just kept saying things like “No, you’re next” or “I don’t see anyone worth talking to” and “Would you like to buy a book? You can buy any book you want!” while the man in front of me was ringing his hands.
I’ve never seen a shop this chaotic. It gave me a headache.

April 14^th 2024

↪ 🐿️ TheTravellersJester has rated the above review as “Helpful” 👍

OH NO I MISSED THE DRAMATIC MOMENT OF THE EX COMING BACK T__T

April 14^th 2024

👔 Adrian_Monk

I would have liked to miss it too.

April 14^th 2024

🐍 SnakeOnABreak

so would i

April 14^th 2024

🫒 JezzyGJr.

Yeah, it was brutal!

April 14^th 2024

🐍 SnakeOnABreak

you keep your nose out of things that don’t concern you

April 14^th 2024

👮 Inspector_Constable

Nina says we have a right to be concerned when our dads break up!

April 14^th 2024

🐍 SnakeOnABreak

I’M NOT YOUR PARENT AND NEITHER IS HE!

April 14^th 2024

👔 Adrian_Monk

Who is “he”? I thought you said you couldn’t see anyone there with me on that day.

April 14^th 2024

🐍 SnakeOnABreak

YOUR nose should be even less concerned with any of this!
i am NOT talking to that hypocritical pothouse politician
and i am NOT a parent of anyone

April 14^th 2024

☕ coffee_or_death

You know what they say: if it quacks like a dad-duck…

April 14^th 2024

🐍 SnakeOnABreak

then don’t feed it bread, i don’t know what you’re trying to say

April 14^th 2024

☕ coffee_or_death

Sure you don’t, Mr Stray-Collector.

April 14^th 2024

🐿️ TheTravellersJester

Did he beg??? DID HE DO A GRAND GESTURE????? DID HE BUY A RING?????? *____*

April 14^th 2024

☕ coffee_or_death

Apparently, he queued. The love-language of the English.

April 14^th 2024

👮 Inspector_Constable

Oh, that must be a really advanced technique! Because I’m an expert on human love now and I’ve never heard of that before!

April 14^th 2024

👔 Adrian_Monk

Even this comment-section is disorderly. I think I have a migraine.

April 17^th 2024

🐉

GangstaBOSSWocky

★☆☆☆☆

I JUST got that tattoo!!! Not even healed off yet, ey!!! How d’ya make it gone?! What’s ya frikkin problem with tattoos???? What are you? A Tory???

April 17^th 2024

↪ 🫒 JezzyGJr. has rated the above review as “Helpful” 👍

Dang! Sorry, man! Next time I’m gonna make 100% sure that what I’m healing is an unintentional injury!

April 17^th 2024

🐉 GangstaBOSSWocky

Oh so ya think ya can just say sorry and everything’s fine, ey??? Ya gonna be sorry when I make my dad wreck your shit, homie!!!

April 17^th 2024

🐍 SnakeOnABreak

tell your father to ground you, while you’re at it

April 17^th 2024

🧁 KitakiMuffins

Sorry, Mr Crowley. Was Wocky threatening a protection racket again?

April 17^th 2024

🐍 SnakeOnABreak

i thought we left that behind us this since the tax fraud incident of 2019

April 17^th 2024

🧁 KitakiMuffins

Course! Tell Mr Fell I’m still grateful he handled all the paperwork for me! And I’m still terribly sorry about that whole extortion mishap. Won’t ever happen again! After all, without the help of both of you, I would have never been able to quit the family-business and get into muffin making.

April 17^th 2024

🐍 SnakeOnABreak

he was just thrilled to have a new muffin bakery open up in the neighbourhood and i was not involved in any of your “help”

April 17^th 2024

🧁 KitakiMuffins

Oh, Mr Crowley, don’t be so humble! I know you made those dunning letters from the tax office go away!

April 17^th 2024

☕ coffee_or_death

My muffin supplier that Mr Fell recommended to me is a former mob boss?!

April 17^th 2024

🐍 SnakeOnABreak

don’t be so judgemental
i forgave you your dark past, too, didn’t i

April 17^th 2024

☕ coffee_or_death

You’re still referring to that one time, two years ago, when I accidentally served you cream in your espresso, aren’t you? Will you ever let that go?

April 17^th 2024

🐍 SnakeOnABreak

forgiven is not forgotten, nina

April 17^th 2024

🧢

FreshnRoyal

★★★★★

Thanks for the help with my broken ankle, man! If I’d known you need to wait 4 hours for any nhs dude but can walk into a hippie bookshop whenever, I wouldn’ have bothered with the ER!
But now I need you to sign some documents n come to court to tell em what you did! bc when I fell down those stairs in that fancy-ass Ritz-joint, their insurance paid me 1000 quid for the broken foot n now they say I’m scamming em!

April 17^th 2024

↪ 🐍 SnakeOnABreak has rated the above review as “Not helpful” 👎

how do you even fall down the stairs in the ritz? it has six steps

April 17^th 2024

🍽️ TheRitz_London

Well, that’s apparently the crux, Mr Crowley: You don’t.

April 17^th 2024

🐍 SnakeOnABreak

hello richard
fancy seeing you here

April 17^th 2024

🧢 FreshnRoyal

Yo, man, I swear I fell down there and broke my ankle! I’ve just gotten better!

April 17^th 2024

🍽️ TheRitz_London

You have “broken your ankle” and “gotten better” in a manner of days? I doubt it, young man.
And Mr Crowley, how have you been? The staff has gotten worried after you and Mr Fell suddenly stopped visiting. I hope it’s because he finally found the courage to ask you to retire to the countryside with him?

April 17^th 2024

🐍 SnakeOnABreak

wait what

April 17^th 2024

🧢 FreshnRoyal

Nobody wants to hear the super plausible explanation, that I definitely have, for what happened to my ankle? What a shame!
I’m off, you two catch up without me!

April 17^th 2024

🍽️ TheRitz_London

Or was it you, Mr Crowley, who finally found the right moment to slip that ring into his champaign glass? We were all very excited when we noticed you fidget with it while Mr Fell was in the lavatory.

April 17^th 2024

☕ coffee_or_death

WHAT?!

April 17^th 2024

🎵 VinylMagnateMaggie

Oh my goodness!!!

April 17^th 2024

🧹 Professional_Descendant

Oh, wow!

April 17^th 2024

🐿️ TheTravellersJester

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH

April 17^th 2024

🔮 MadameTracy

Congratulations, dears! I knew I felt the tension between you two! And me at that point! I’m glad he’s his own person again and you’re not looking at me with that smitten look anymore. You’re very handsome, deary, but not quite my type.

April 17^th 2024

🐍 SnakeOnABreak

that wasnt

April 17^th 2024

🐍 SnakeOnABreak

not lik ethat

April 17^th 2024

🐍 SnakeOnABreak

it wasnt that kind of rign
that was just his signet ring which i had polished becasue it was drity and he hate scleaning things himslef

April 17^th 2024

☕ coffee_or_death

Yeah, that definitely sounds like the truth and not at all like it was written in a panic.

April 17^th 2024

🐍 SnakeOnABreak

what hellish woodwork did all of you crawl out of all of a sudden, anyway???

April 17^th 2024

☕ coffee_or_death

Relax. Maggie and I know painfully well that it wasn’t a ring-ring. You had your head so far up your own arse, you didn’t even know you wanted to give him a ring until we spelt it out to you with neon signs.

April 17^th 2024

↪ 🫒 JezzyGJr. has rated the above review as “Not helpful” 👎

y is nobody grateful anymore when u heal em? Smh

April 17^th 2024

🧹 Professional_Descendant

Believe me, that’s a development that was well underway ever since the middle ages. Be glad they’re not chucking you into a lake for it, to test if you can swim.

April 17^th 2024

🧹 JezzyGJr.

Y?? When have the fish become healers?!

April 17^th 2024

🎵 VinylMagnateMaggie

Oh my! Forget about the fish. Just be more careful with healing people, please! Maybe stick to illnesses, next time? They are less likely to be an insurance case or a body modification.

April 18^th 2024

🎖️

Witchfinder_Army_official

★☆☆☆☆

Evil is still afoot in this shop! ‘s been six years since A stepped o’er the threshold of this den of iniquity an’s still teemin’ with unholy powers!
I had a bit of a cold when I entered. But one of those ne’erdowell hippie types who’s ne’er done a day of hard work in his life came up ‘n touched me arm. Ma sore throat was gone! What ungodly chemical have ya injected me with, ya new-age nutters???

April 18^th 2024

↪ 🐍 SnakeOnABreak has rated the above review as “Not helpful” 👎

i thought i made it clear enough after the fire that if I ever see you set foot in this shop again, there will be another thing spontaneously combusting and it won’t be the books

April 18^th 2024

🎖️ Witchfinder_Army_official

Yer nae even the owner of that shop!

April 18^th 2024

🥂 Please_stop_blocking_me_Crowley

Well, consider yourself banned from the shop from every owner it ever had, then.

April 18^th 2024

🎖️ Witchfinder_Army_official

n’ who’re you?

April 18^th 2024

🥂 I_just_want_to_apologise

It is a lot of work to make a new account on this site just to answer a question you could have gleamed from context clues, Mr Shadwell.

April 18^th 2024

🎖️ Witchfinder_Army_official

A was talken to that Please_stop_blocken_me-lad, not you! N’ how d’ye know my name?

April 18^th 2024

☕ coffee_or_death

I don’t know what’s sadder to watch. The anti-vaxxer trying to figure out he’s talking to Mr Fell, or the username-based attempt at an apology?

April 18^th 2024

🫒 JezzyGJr.

What’s an anti-vaxxer?

April 18^th 2024

☕ coffee_or_death

People you need to keep your hands off because they don’t like being healthy.

April 18^th 2024

🫒 JezzyGJr.

Is that why my bros keep saying “Yo, sick!” whenever I show them a new move at the skatepark? Bc being sick is lit now?

April 18^th 2024

👮 Inspector_Constable

No, I think that’s because the last time you hit your head on the ramp, you hurled all over Crowley’s carpet when you came home.

April 18^th 2024

🫒 JezzyGJr.

Dang, that makes sense. Sick, I learnt a new word!

April 18^th 2024

🥂

Please_just_listen_to_me

☆☆☆☆☆ (unrated)

Why are you letting Jesus go to the skatepark? Do you have any idea how much trouble I’ll be in if he shows up in Heaven again, re-discorporated without fulfilling his mission?

April 18^th 2024

↪ 🐍 SnakeOnABreak has rated the above review as “Not helpful” 👎

he can’t stop healing people left and right for two minutes, so his own broken neck is a win-win. keeps him occupied with his favourite healing-hobby and out of other people’s hair

April 18^th 2024

🥂 You_know_I_cant_read_your_answers_if_you_keep_blocking_me

This is not funny! He’s not the usual stock! Last time he was discorporated, it took them three days to build a new corporation that looked exactly like his last one!

April 18^th 2024

🐍 SnakeOnABreak

why the hassle of making him look the same? a lot of idiots even think he was white; do you seriously think they remember whether his nose was hooked or not?

April 18^th 2024

👮 Inspector_Constable

:)))) Does this mean you two are talking again?

April 18^th 2024

🐍 SnakeOnABreak

this isn’t talking, this is writing

April 18^th 2024

🥂 Crowley_for_Heavens_sake_stop

When I said that last time, you blocked me!

April 18^th 2024

🐍 SnakeOnABreak

yes, weird how that keeps happening. almost as if i assume you’ll eventually get the hint

April 19^th 2024

✒️

HerbertS.Sinclair

★☆☆☆☆

The owner made me take his son home from the skatepark, even though I told him via the phone that he had a broken arm and was crying. Apparently, the fact that the young man was “an adult” and “old enough to have been crucified in Golgatha” is reason enough for this unempathetic brute to abandon an injured family member to something as grizzly as the tube!

And then, this shop owner had the audacity to not even let me, an interested architecture-savant who had just done him a huge favour, take a look around the building! I’ve heard it has marvellous architecture from an old tube station that was used as a bunker in World War II! Surely something as historically significant as that should not be gate-kept on a private estate!

April 19^th 2024

↪ 🐍 SnakeOnABreak has rated the above review as “Not helpful” 👎

how are you so angry about not seeing what is basically a glorified potato cellar that you managed to write in red on this site? i didn’t even know that was possible
about the child: he didn’t even cry when he thought his father/mother had abandoned him so i don’t really buy that
and then there’s the fact that he didn’t have a broken arm when you arrived

April 19^th 2024

🐍 SnakeOnABreak

also he’s not my son

April 19^th 2024

☕ coffee_or_death

Good save! Someone might have assumed you didn’t care about people calling him your kid if you hadn’t double-posted as if it had slipped your mind. Real smooth!

April 19^th 2024

🐍 SnakeOnABreak

shut up

April 19^th 2024

↪ 🫒 JezzyGJr. has rated the above review as “Helpful” 👍

ty gramps! I just cried because all of the folks who saw my radial bone sticking out of my arm were really concerned! A few peeps even hurled! It was super touching!

April 19^th 2024

🐍 SnakeOnABreak

we have to work on you reading the room

April 19^th 2024

👮 Inspector_Constable

Aw, that’s unfair! He is allowed to read the room but I have to “go out and play with the other police officers before I have read every single book in the shop” you said! :(

April 19^th 2024

🐍 SnakeOnABreak

yes
you heard me
out and befriend some bobbies
dinner is at 7

April 19^th 2024

☕ coffee_or_death

I suppose Muriel is also not your kid?

April 19^th 2024

🥂 I_will_keep_doing_this_until_this_site_runs_out_of_names

Why on Earth would you not let Muriel read my books? Are you really that petty that you would take your frustration against me out on them just because we share a hobby?

April 19^th 2024

🐍 SnakeOnABreak

muriel decided to read every book in the order they are arranged in the shop and they were getting pretty close to the two last shelves in the back

April 19^th 2024

👮 Inspector_Constable

That shelf looks fun! So many men on the covers have ripped shirts and I think learning to mend clothes will be rather interesting! Can I please start reading those tomorrow?

April 19^th 2024

🥂 Really_who_do_you_think_has_greater_patience

Have you not perhaps found yourself a nice police person who wants to play traffic warden on Piccadilly with you? That sounds more fun, doesn’t it?

April 19^th 2024

🐍 SnakeOnABreak

i’d say “i told you so” but you have a habit of ignoring things i tell you, so i won’t waste my breath

April 19^th 2024

🥂 I_am_sorry

I always listen to you. Crowley, you must know that. I do!

April 19^th 2024

🐍 SnakeOnABreak

and yet you didn’t seem to hear what i was saying

April 19^th 2024

🥂 I_am_sorry

I thought I have. If I haven’t, I’d like another chance to hear it again.
But Crowley, have you really heard me that same morning?

April 19^th 2024

🥂 I_miss_hearing_your_voice

Crowley

April 20^th 2024

🐲

Dovahkiin

☆☆☆☆☆ (unrated)

Why is nobody answering any calls? Word has reached me that you have the country’s fastest tattoo removal service. I was out drinking with Sam Guevenne last night and woke up with a (non-scandalous) dancing dragon in a (tastful!) tutu on my arm. I need it removed as soon as you have a vacancy in your schedule!

April 20^th 2024

↪ 🫒 JezzyGJr. has rated the above review as “Not helpful” 👎

I don’t get it. I can heal my own arm, n no1 cares. I heal some scars on some dude’s arm n every1’s upset at me. But other peeps WANT their arm-scars healed n are upset when I DON’T do it???

April 20^th 2024

🐍 SnakeOnABreak

‘s choice, isn’t it

April 20^th 2024

🫒 JezzyGJr.

What is?

April 20^th 2024

🐍 SnakeOnABreak

you made the choice to heal your own arm
this wanker made the choice to have his… questionable tattoo removed
those other guys didn’t make the choice of being healed by you. you took that from them when you “helped” them without asking
people don’t like not getting to make their own choices

April 20^th 2024

🫒 JezzyGJr.

Must b nice.

April 20^th 2024

🐍 SnakeOnABreak

yeah?

April 20^th 2024

🫒 JezzyGJr.

Yeah. To make ur own choices. About yourself.

April 20^th 2024

🐍 SnakeOnABreak

it is

April 20^th 2024

🐍 SnakeOnABreak

and sometimes it’s hard
but making a hard choice is still better than to have it made for you

April 20^th 2024

🥂 I_miss_hearing_your_voice

It is better. And it’s also so, so hard.

April 20^th 2024

🫒 JezzyGJr.

I don’t think that’s 4 me. I’m not like them.

April 20^th 2024

🥂 I_miss_hearing_your_voice

Neither am I. But someone taught me a long time ago, between burning embers and storms and ox ribs and lizards, that I am my own person. I have control over my own path in life, and the ability to make the choice to protect what is dear to me.

April 20^th 2024

🫒 JezzyGJr.

Have u ever regretted it?

April 20^th 2024

🥂 I_miss_hearing_your_voice

All the time.
But then I look at what I saved, and I’m glad of the path I walked. Even when it hurts me. Even when it hurts the very thing I have so desperately tried to shelter by walking it.
That hurt is the only part I regret. Only that. Never my choice.

April 20^th 2024

☕ coffee_or_death

You wrote all that with the same username and still haven’t been blocked! Wow!

April 20^th 2024

👮 Inspector_Constable

I think it’s because Crowley is busy! He was reading something on his phone and then he put his sunglasses on when he saw me, said he needs a minute and left.
I think he has eye-strain. He was blinking a lot! :(

April 20^th 2024

🎵 VinylMagnateMaggie

Oh, dear! I’ll see if I can find him!

April 20^th 2024

🥂 I_miss_hearing_your_voice

And there’s the regret.
Please take care of him for me, Maggie.