The Yelp Chronicles

Aug 10^th 2023

🐙

LiviaThan

★★★★★

What a wonderful little bookshop! Did I get a book? No. They literally treat buying like shoplifting. Not to be all “hurr durr capitalism good”-American here, but... Weird business model, amirite?

However – is “buying books” really the reason you go to a bookshop? Well, adjust your expectations because there is so much more to find there. I came out of that store with a video series and I guarantee you will be coming out of it with An Experience™.

If you're looking for cryptids though... you're at the wrong address. Except if you're more of the Mulder-sort, then maybe keep looking in the direction of that weird police person that keeps surveying the coffee shop on the opposite side of the street.
The only thing you may find inside the bookshop is a protection racket. I didn't think those were still a thing in today's London!

Aug 10^th 2023

↪ 🎵 VinylMagnateMaggie has rated the above review as “Helpful” 👍

I've heard spiritual people can manifest future events by believing in them very much. I sometimes fear that one of them very firmly believes that protection rackets still happen in this part of Soho. And with “this part” I mean this particular bookshop. I never had any problems, thankfully!

Aug 10^th 2023

🐙 LiviaThan

lol maybe he hit a witch with a car in his youth or something.
This is why you don't mess with witches.

Aug 10^th 2023

↪ 🐿️ TheTravellersJester has rated the above review as “Not helpful” 👎

WHAAAAAAAAAT????? I just watched your videos! ARE YOU SERIOUS?!??!!?? YOU DIDN'T EVEN ASK THE RIGHT QUESTIONS! THEY WERE LYING! Exceptabouthowtheyaresoclearlyinlove omg omg omg buuuut THAT'S NOT THE POINT!!!

Aug 10^th 2023

🐙 LiviaThan

I'm sorry, but they're just two dudes. Two very, very odd, repressed, English dudes.

Aug 10^th 2023

📚 AZFell_books

I am not English, dear.

Aug 10^th 2023

🦈 im_a_shark

just odd and repressed then lol

Aug 10^th 2023

🎵 VinylMagnateMaggie

wait, you're not?

Aug 10^th 2023

🐍 AppleJSnek

You're more English than the late Queen, Aziraphale.

Aug 10^th 2023

📚 AZFell_books

You know perfectly well that I am not.

Aug 10^th 2023

🐍 AppleJSnek

Fine, technically you're not English, but in the same way that Jesus wasn't a Christian.

Aug 10^th 2023

🐿️ TheTravellersJester

SEEEE????? HE FOUNDED ENGLAND!!! HE'S; LIKE; ARTHUR OR SOMETHING!!!

Aug 10^th 2023

🦈 im_a_shark

since when was england founded by a rat

Aug 10^th 2023

🎵 VinylMagnateMaggie

I think Arthur is an aardvark.

Aug 10^th 2023

📚 AZFell_books

No, that's Crowley.

Aug 10^th 2023

🐍 AppleJSnek

?????

Aug 10^th 2023

🐙 LiviaThan

I meant to say this the whole time I was there, so I'm saying it now: you two are adorable.

Aug 10^th 2023

🐿️ TheTravellersJester

WHY IS NOBODY PAYING ATTENTION???!?? T^T

The owner has posted this correction of the opening hours:
“The bookshop is closed in the afternoon of today, Aug 10th 2023, due to a festivity of the Whickber Street Shopkeepers and Street Traders Association. Entry by invitation only.”

Aug 11^th 2023

🎹

Arnolds

★★★★★

This shop has it all – even cancelled annuals that never went into print. Thanks again, Mr. Fell!

Aug 11^th 2023

🥖

ChezMarguerites

★★★★☆

Maybe next time, I could give your employee some pointers on the canapés (he put whole cocoa-beans in them). Or you could order the hors-d'œuvres directly from me. But otherwise, it was a wonderful evening. Thank you for the invitation and thank you for making sure I got back to my restaurant before it got really busy.
And please don't try to answer this in French.

Aug 11^th 2023

🈺

Crystal_Cheng

★★★★★

I had a lovely time, yesterday. The ending was a bit weird, and I don't think I remember how I got home, but what I do recall was the nicest meeting of the association I ever attended. I hope you will host again, sometime in the future!

Aug 11^th 2023

🥸

Browns_World_of_Carpets

★★☆☆☆

I recall giving you the meeting agenda and general instructions, which include a strict “no alcohol” rule! And yet, I find myself a little hazy on how I got home and the detour I must have taken - because I do remember bits and pieces - is undoubtedly tinged in alcohol, if the horrible visages are anything to go by!

I did very much enjoy the music and the carpets though. And the record in attendance that you managed to achieve. If you ever fancy having a chat about carpets in the Dirty Donkey, you have my number. Don't hesitate to call!

But I have to insist that next time, there will be chairs!

Aug 11^th 2023

↪ 🎵 VinylMagnateMaggie has rated the above review as “Helpful” 👍

I am so glad to hear from you, Mr. Brown! How are you feeling?

Aug 11^th 2023

🥸 Browns_World_of_Carpets

You are not the one I was hoping to talk to, but I'm fine, thank you. A little hung-over but fine. But while I have you ear, I think you may have forgotten to pay the yearly membership fee for the Whickber Street Shopkeepers and Street Traders Association.

Aug 11^th 2023

☕ coffee_or_death

And just like that, you're a little less glad to hear from him, aren't you?

Aug 11^th 2023

💃 HardWorkingGirls_MsSandwich

Enthusiasm for him always flags after he opens his mouth.

Aug 11^th 2023

😈

HOW_DARE_YOU_SAY_THE_YOUSERNAME_SHAX_IS_TAKEN

★☆☆☆☆

I will BREAK you're ugly little embecy sooner or later!! Doun't think this is over just yet!

Aug 11^th 2023

↪ 🎵 VinylMagnateMaggie has rated the above review as “Not helpful” 👎

Oh really??? Do your worst!

Aug 11^th 2023

☕ coffee_or_death

Have you not learnt anything from taunting her yesterday?

Aug 11^th 2023

🎵 VinylMagnateMaggie

I am not letting her bully me or Mr. Fell ever again!

Aug 11^th 2023

👮 Inspector_Constable

Please stop! I'm supposed to look after the bookshop and now it has already gotten one bad review! Oh no, what do I do? How do I make the review better?

Aug 11^th 2023

☕ coffee_or_death

I think after what happened yesterday, the review score is the least of your problems. Besides, it's not like that bookshop had glowing reviews before. There's not much you can make worse.

Aug 11^th 2023

🎵 VinylMagnateMaggie

What do you mean, you're supposed to look after the bookshop? Where's Mr. Fell?

Aug 11^th 2023

☕ coffee_or_death

On a romantic getaway somewhere quiet where you can do nothing but fucking talk to each other, if he knows what's good for him.

Aug 11^th 2023

👮 Inspector_Constable

It is very quiet, I suppose.

Aug 11^th 2023

☕ coffee_or_death

Okay? Cryptic.

Aug 11^th 2023

🎵 VinylMagnateMaggie

Aw, I hope they have fun!!

Aug 11^th 2023

☕ coffee_or_death

Me too, as long as they talk during their recuperation periods in between having fun.

Aug 11^th 2023

🎵 VinylMagnateMaggie

NINA!!!

Aug 12^th 2023

📚

AZFell_books

★★★★★

I don't know how to delete the note about the correction of the opening hours, so I'd like to announce that the shop is open again. I am looking forward to greeting customers! :)

Aug 12^th 2023

↪ 🐍 AppleJSnek has rated the above review as “Helpful” 👍

aziraphale?

Aug 12^th 2023

📚 AZFell_books

I'm sorry you rushed all the way here! :(
Since you said you don't want to talk, I will explain here. Because then we're not talking. You're just reading what I write!
Maggie from next door showed me how to turn on the big machine with the display on the cord. She said they often don't work when they're not plugged in, but this one fortunately doesn't have that kind of defect! :)
So I tried find this documentation of reviews because I had to delete the note about not being open. And Aziraphale was still “logged in,” Maggie called it. She said that using his name makes looking after the bookshop and its page of reviews so much easier! So I decided to look after his name, too.

Aug 12^th 2023

🐍 AppleJSnek

dont use it again

Aug 12^th 2023

👮 Inspector_Constable

Alright. Sorry!

Aug 12^th 2023

🎵 VinylMagnateMaggie

Oh, you're here? We thought the two of you were on a vacation somewhere! Are you back already?

Aug 12^th 2023

🎵 VinylMagnateMaggie

Hello, @AppleJSnek? Did you have a nice trip? Did you talk?

Aug 12^th 2023

👮 Inspector_Constable

He said he doesn't like to talk. :(

Aug 12^th 2023

🎵 VinylMagnateMaggie

I know! That's the whole problem. Did something happen? I'm coming over!

Aug 12^th 2023

👮 Inspector_Constable

Sorry, he left. Just after you wrote that.

Aug 12^th 2023

☕ coffee_or_death

shit. This is why I didn't want to get involved in this.

Aug 12^th 2023

🎵 VinylMagnateMaggie

Did they have a row? Do you think it's our fault?

Aug 12^th 2023

☕ coffee_or_death

People's relationships are complicated. Sticking your nose into them is usually not a good idea.

Aug 12^th 2023

🎵 VinylMagnateMaggie

Yeah, well, that was sort of why we were there to talk to him about it! Should we go after him and try to find out what happened?

Aug 12^th 2023

☕ coffee_or_death

No, give him some time. They'll figure it out. They're grown men.

Aug 12^th 2023

☕ coffee_or_death

*grown people

Aug 12^th 2023

☕ coffee_or_death

*grown beings

Aug 15^th 2023

🐍

AppleJSnek

☆☆☆☆☆ (unrated)

You know what? I don't need your forgiveness. I don't want it.
You take it back! Come right here and be brave for once in your fucking life and take it away again! It's not mine, so you take it and put it back in your bright, shining, holier-than-thou halo because I never wanted it! Damn that bloody dance, I never wanted it!

Aug 15^th 2023

🐍

AppleJSnek

☆☆☆☆☆ (unrated)

I don't know what to do with it because I don't regret having said what I said or having done what I did.

Aug 16^th 2023

🐍

AppleJSnek

☆☆☆☆☆ (unrated)

I know you're reading this!
Maybe not now, maybe not today. Maybe not even this year. But this stupid site has become an extension of your bookshop, and you cannot stay away from that for long. You cannot leave your bookshop forever.

Aug 16^th 2023

🐍

AppleJSnek

☆☆☆☆☆ (unrated)

Please come back to your bookshop
I can manage a life without you. But I cannot bear Earth without you.

Aug 16^th 2023

🐍

AppleJSnek

☆☆☆☆☆ (unrated)

I used to be unforgivable but you had to go and take that away from me, too.
It's the only thing that would make this more bearable. I could rely on that. Shelter behind it. Whatever you threw at me, it didn't matter because in the end, even if you hadn't said any of your barbed wire statements – not friends, too fast, you were an angel once, never talk to you again, you're the bad guys – even if you hadn't said any of that, it wouldn't have changed anything, because I still was unforgivable. But you took that away. Now it matters. Now all of it matters because we could have been. We could have been what I told you. We could have been us.

That last one hurt, by the way. They all did, but that last one... “You're the bad guys.” Really, Aziraphale? After all we've been through?
I don't mind the “bad guys.” I mind the “you.” You could have said “you're the aardvarks” and it wouldn't have stung in my eyes any less. Because after all of the fighting and fire and utter shit and lunches and late night poetry debates and all the goodness of the last few years, I thought we were clear on that. I thought you agreed that we were on the same side. Our side. But no, “you're the bad guys.” That one just slipped out, didn't it? It's what you really think. You in one group, and me and them in the other.

Maybe that's my saving grace. If we're not on our own side, if we're not a team – if you're not with me, then you have no authority to forgive me.
I am unforgiven. And none of it all, the arrangement, “our” car, “our” bookshop, the Ritz – none of it mattered. So it can't matter that you took it away, either. There was never a chance for it to give me what I really wanted to begin with.

After all these years, you win that eternal debate of ours: She is infallible. I am unforgivable and you are not.