HELLOOOOOOO???? OMGGGGGG WHY DO MY REVIEWS KEEP DISAPPEARING???
Like, I wanted to put this on Reddit but r/bookshopcryptid banned me because they're like “uuuuhhh Jes, you shouldn't keep posting about your ships” AND LIKE OKAY BUT TEEEEEEECHNICALLY ISN'T THE WHOLE LOVE THING SUUUUPER RELEVANT TO THE WHOLE THING????
Ugh but like, okay, here I am! At-ing @LiviaThan because I'm hoping you see this because I know technically you can't read all your comments on youtube AND THIS IS IMPORTANT!!! Okay, I know I don't sound suuuuuper coherent right now, and I swear I'm gonna pull myself together!!!
BUUUUT LIKE, this is the 3rd try to post this and, like, it doesn't even get deleted, it's more like after 5 minutes it disappears as if I've never even written it??? If I post this often enough, technically there HAAAAVE to be 5 minutes where you happen to see this!?
OKAY! MY THEORY!!! WITH RECEIPTS!!!
So first: AppleJSnek = AppleSerpent = the bookseller's husband with the sunglasses!
Technically, this is super obvious, but I'm gonna mention it anyway because it's gonna be mega important for later.
You have AppleSerpent talking in the comments to AZFell_books as if they know each other preeetty well, like for example in their posts from 2007:
0/10 I came into this shop half an hour ago and I'm being ignored because the proprietor is reading.
Well, if you don't like being ignored, maybe you should consider not arriving an hour early.
Didn't you use to have a different name on this homepage?
Firstly, it's not a “home”page, for Satan's sake. Secondly, did you just downvote my review?? Thirdly, I used to have a different name until this site decided to adopt two-factor-authorization and I can't access my email.
Like, you can see that AppleJSnek admits to changing his username in 2007 and if you go to the profile of AppleSerpent, that account hasn't posted since March of 2006. (Also, the names are suuuuper similar and they have the same icon!)
So then yesterday, AppleJSnek was answering peoples' reviews as if he was the one who served them in the shop. And when I asked someone who was actually there irl, they told me that sunglasses guy was the one selling books at that time!!!
HUH???? WAIT WAS HE WEARING SUNGLASSES AND DRESSED ALL BLACK????
ye like i said. why?
SO!!! APPLEJSNEK AND APPLESERPENT AND HUSBAND = SAME GUY!!!
But what you diiiiidn't know: SUNGLASSES HUSBAND IS ALSO THE NOODLE-PUPPY!!! See, I told you it would become important that AppleJSnek is AppleSerpent and Husband! Okay so the noodle-puppy is first mentioned in 2018...
I asked the shopkeeper if he can get me a book from the upper shelves. He whispered “I can't get up; the little darling has fallen asleep in my lap.” I thought it was a cat, so I went around his desk to see it, but it was a bloody snake! A disgusting, giant python! Do not go into this shop if you have any regard for your life!
...which is aaaalso the time when, like, a lot of photos on instagram showed up of the noodle-puppy in the shop. Not a single photo showed Husband and the noodle-puppy together!!! EVEN THOUGH you can see the actual sunglasses by the entrance sometimes! :O :O :O SIDE-EYE!!!!
And like, obviously the guy calls himself Serpent and Snek and has a snake tattoo on his face.
AND LIKE, the snake is red and black and Husband has red hair and black clothes!
AND HE HAS A LISP!!! YOU KNOW, LIKE A HISS!!!
Aaaalso, Husband gets suuuper defensive about the noodle-puppy:
yeeeees this is where the noodle-puppy sightings start!
What's with all the insults?!
Now, okay, maybe that's not weird enough for you. And, like, you've all seen the portraits on Reddit of the shopkeeper in 1800 who looks exaaaactly like the bookseller today! You know, with the Keanu Reeves memes! Ooooobviously that's the same guy.
BUT! DID YOU KNOW that Husband was also there? And he is technically also 200 years old? Look at this:
[…] As I cast my eyes upon the exit, another very well accoutred gentleman showed up at the door, bearing what I can only presume was a posy of flowers and a rather sizeable box of chocolates. However, he did not venture inside, for he espied the two other fellows engaged in discourse with the vendor (all of whom were clad in raiment of pure white, as was he - the proprietor - whilst the latest addition to this spectacle was entirely clad in ebony and sported an uncommon pair of dusky-hued spectacles.)
YOU SEE??? THAT'S HIM!!! THEY WERE ALREADY MARRIED AT THIS POINT! This was probably their anniversaryyyyyy :O
And, okay, now you're probably like “Oh but Jes! Technically, people don't live for 200 years!” Yeah I knoooow! Obviously! But, like, technically, they're not human!!!! Because, like, they can go without sleep for 4 weeks:
im not durnk. havnt slept in 4 weeks n my fnigers r hurtng
And they can do MAGIIIIC!!! :O :O :O
[…] And get this – turns out our missing friend contacted my brother while I was on my way home! Obviously I'm not saying that this bookseller had anything to do with it with some hoodoo or whatnot.
There should be 50 quid in front of your entryway. Now bugger off.
I don't know how you did it, but there really is a 50 pound note here! Thank you. It really was the least you could do.
AND TURN BACK TIME????!!!
Read the room and show a bit of compassion. This shop burnt down just five days ago.
lol what are you on? i was there yesterday
And I knoooow you're gonna say “oooh but that's all not really proof” like this could have been all just coincidence with
WHY DO THESE REVIEWS HAVE, LIKE, A WORD LIMIT????? >:(
Okay okay okay, where was I???
So you're saying “Booooo, Jes! Teeeeechnically, this could all be coincidence and they're still human because all of that super obvious stuff that you just pointed out and that definitely happened, toooootally didn't happen!!” Okay?? Like, rude! But would a human call other people “humans” like Husband does????
[…] Because I currently have no car and I'm not sitting on a train for 6 hours to go and get you out of trouble, just because a bunch of humans want to guillotine you for being a posh looking royalist. Again.
Aaaaaaaaaaand their assisstant also does??
Oh, I'm pretty sure that was Mr. Crowley who taught him! :) He showed me how to use a phone, and even helped me sign up for this site, and explained how to comment on Mr. Fell's page, because that is what humans do when they want to complain about an establishment! :) And complaining is a very popular past-time of British humans!
And they have, like, a sock-puppet that is SO obviously trying to throw us off their trail every time we come close to figuring something out:
Seriously, you people will just believe anything, won't you? This is even more ridiculous than the other stuff. It's a bog-standard bookshop! I've been there.
Or:
What are you people talking about? Even if someone could be 200 years old and had to hide their identity, why on earth would he go through all that trouble but still run the same bookshop?
Ooooooor:
You conspiracy theorists will not let this go, will you? Again: I have been to this bookshop. It's a very normal, old Soho store with an owner who is slightly eccentric, and that's it. No supernatural beings and no fire. You people are ridiculous.
So NOW you're saying “Ooooh Jes, you're so smart!! They are deeeeefinitely not human, you were so right. But if they are not human, please tell us what they are!” WELL, I WILL!!!
....Or I won't. BECAUSE I'M GONNA LET HUSBAND TELL YOU!! OMGGGGG look:
[…] He is a huffy angel.
Oh, of course I'm on your side, angel.
It's all sorted. Don't worry about it, angel.
You ask for help all the time, angel!
Aziraphale. Angel. Are you being mugged?
[…] Angel, how about you give those people their phone back and then don't turn your back until they've left?
So I knooooow you all think that the shopkeeper is a vampire because technically he can hypnotise people into thinking he is nice, and everything but maaaaaybe he just is REALLY really nice! And people just really REALLY like him and he does not hypnotise them at all!
And he is 200 years old and can do magic because he is an ACTUAL ANGEL! And I hear you again saying “But Traaaav! Isn't the Husband a guardian angel? Whyyyyy would an angel need a guardian angel?”
I mean, TECHNICALLY you're totally right! But I think he is not a guardian angel after all! I mean, the guardian part is mainly because he is his husband!
I THINK he is something else because he really hates being called an angel:
[…] TL;DR I think we're looking at a vampire who brought a guardian angel under his control and is now using it to keep himself safe from who ever might come to investigate when people go missing in his bookshop.
This is the worst slander I've ever read.
But, like, wouldn't it be weird if you were married to, like, a worm? I mean, if you're a human, you wouldn't marry a worm, right? So why would an angel marry a human? I mean, technically we're not worms but like, if you're an angel, we kind of are???
That's why I think they must be kind of the same, because, remember, they're husbands since AT LEAST 1800. And I think TEEEECHNICALLY, isn't a demon kind of the same thing as an angel? Only, like, upside-down???
And the bookseller talked about demons in 1800!
[…] The proprietor, veritably cowed, did sally forth and spoke of hellish creatures and – as far as I could gather – claimed that they could not seize hold of his establishment for he alone prevented those demons' intrusion.
AND I MEAN if that were MY husband I could probably also prevent his intrusion asdfghjkl NOT THAT I WOULD WANT TO IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN >:))))))
Anyway, that's proof for a demon!! Plus, they also have a demon puppy:
[…] And I know this is going to sound crazy, but there was something wrong with that dog. I swear it can smell fear! And I swear, its eyes started to glow red when it had cornered me!
[…] As for the eyes; I believe the dog does that sometimes. It's nothing to worry about.
So yeah.
We really only know about all of this because they're THE CUTEST married couple like, EVER because they're still not divorced after 200 years, soooo REDDIT YOU SHOULD LET ME PUT MY SHIPPING POSTS BACK IN r/bookshopcryptid BECAUSE THEIR LOVE IS THE ONLY REASON WE GOT THIS EXPLANATION OF WHAT IS REALLY GOING ON!!!
Also @LiviaThan you can totally use my theory for one of your videos! I'm, like, your biggest fan <3 <3 <3
NOW I HOPE YOU SEE THIS BECAUSE YELP KEEPS DELETING MY REVIEWS FOR SOME REASON AND SAYS I HAVE NO DELETED REVIEWS????
has rated the above review as “Helpful” 👍
Oops. Maybe I should start reading over the stuff I post before I hit send.
I keep telling you that since the copper incident in Ur. And I suppose you think this is funny? Crowley, please!
I think this is hysterical.
I already used one miracle each for her last two reviews!
Do something!
Alright, fine! It seems like I have to do everything myself around here!
↪ 🐍 AppleJSnek has rated the above review as “Helpful” 👍
Well, isn't this absolutely fascinating? You should open a detective agency. Or write a book. You have a way with words.
Oh, and let me help you. Hey @LiviaThan here is something you should definitely give a read. And take a screenshot. Just in case it goes missing.
📚 AZFell_books
Crowley! What are you doing?
🐍 AppleJSnek
Just leaning back and enjoying the show.